Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

[h=1]Valentine's Day Cards[/h]These rejected Valentine's Day cardssomehow never made it to store shelves, I wonder why?

I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.

Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!

Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!

You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

 

[eclipse1966]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.





'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'


'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'





A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'





Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.





The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:





1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;





2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;





3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and





4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.





(THIS GETS BETTER!)





The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:





1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;





2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;





3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and





4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.





The women won.

 

[my mod]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Before the procedure, abeautiful nurse comes into his room, takes his vitals, then tells him to takeoff all of his clothes.

When he is fully undressed,she instructs him to lie down on a table. The man obeys.

The nurse then removesall of her clothes, climbs on top, and has her way with him.

Upon the completion ofthe act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs thepatient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has anejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the seminal vessels are easierfor the surgeon to locate and sever.

The nurse then wheelsthe patient to the operating room.

While they are goingdown the hall, the patient sees six men in a room, all of whom aremasturbating.

Curiosity prompts theman to ask, "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds,"They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they haveObama Care."

 

[my mod]

A little boy in Newfoundland , wanted $100.00 for something very
special. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , Canada ,
they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little boy in Newfoundland .

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write
a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes took $95.00 intaxes.

 

[my mod]

Absolutely amazing
Click on the link below.......
I was shocked to find my location on Earth so EASILY!!
It's was almost unbelievable. I was surprised to learn that such technology exists.
It uses your IP address and finds the exact location of any internet user in seconds. It uses a sophisticated time based algorithm to do so.
Try it and find your PRECISE location on the earth, then watch your screen as the system briefly analyzes your data...then displays your PRECISE location...
Your locationwill pop up in a new window in about 10 seconds or so.
Clickon the link below......

 

[my mod]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty allday long.


No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he justcouldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.


But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuringvoice in
his head that said: Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't thefirst
medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients andyou
won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go,Dave."


But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back toreality whispering:







Dave..............................





Dave..............................





You're aVeterinarian, you sick bastard

 

[padleym1000]

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

BIG GAME HUNTER ...



A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any
animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell
them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks,
and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared,"Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had
in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said,
"Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle." He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again,
every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough
to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties and then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

 

[goodngrubby]

[FONT="Times ]One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to
shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young
man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'[/FONT]

 

[my mod]

Woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where mywife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I saw one of my socks inthe frying pan. "What are you doing?" I asked her.
Shesaid "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completelypuzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,





"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

 

[my mod]

> BEST SCOTSMAN PICK UP LINE EVER...
>
>
> A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next toa very attractive woman.
>
> He gives her a quick glance then casually looks athis watch for a moment.
> The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your daterunning late?'
>
> 'No', he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-artwatch, and I was
> just testing it..'
>
> The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
>
> ''What's so special about it?'
>
> The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talkto me telepathically.'
>
> The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
>
> Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
>
> The woman giggles and replies
> 'Well it must be broken because I am wearingpanties!'
>
> The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says,
>
> 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

 

[teamgreen]

Dont really know where to post these two screenshots from tonight, so they will go in this thread. Seems like Shaw isn't so bad to deal with after all.

 

[CatRyder88]

 

[my mod]

A woman went to a pet shop andimmediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why solittle?" she
asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in ahouse
of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgarstuff." The
woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the
implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird sawthem
and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Matt came home from work. The bird
looked at him and said, "Hi Matt."

 

[my mod]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."


A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out,"You bastard!"


The judge says, "You're also charged withbeating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."


The voice in the back of the courtroom yellsout, "You rotten bastard!"


The judge stops and says to the guy in the backof the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration atthese crimes but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.Is that understood?"


The guy in the back of the court stands up andsays, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next doorto that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn'thave one."

 

[Bnorth]

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,
"He's pissing in the fridge again!"

 

[Bnorth]

A Newfoundland painter by the name of Skipper Connelly,
while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour for his paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house
in a stretch limo and asked Skipper if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request and
it had Skipper a bit perturbed.
The beautiful lady told him that money was no object, in fact, she was
willing to pay up to $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Skipper asked the lady
to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus.

The wife says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I got to leave
me socks on so I got a place to wipe me brushes..."

 

[Bnorth]

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us,also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.?

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

 

[RMK Junky]

Just in case you were ever wondering

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

Isn't It Ironic?

The food stamp program, part of the Department of
Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

 

[Bnorth]

I was in a pub last night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.
They both had strange accents so I said “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland ?”.
One of them screamed “It's WALES you f**king idiot !”
So I immediately apologized and said “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”