Required: Sense of humor

[polarice]

A sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her skirt and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a turkey and underneath it I want the word Thanksgiving."

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas."

The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?"

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to enjoy between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

 

[GYMBRAT]

A sophisticated looking lady walks into a tattoo shop and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated lady in his shop, runs over immediately and asks if he could help her.

To his shock and utter delight, she lifts up her skirt and points to her right inner thigh - very high up. "Right here," she says, "I want you to tattoo a turkey and underneath it I want the word Thanksgiving."

Then she points to her left thigh just as high up and says, "On this side, I want you to tattoo an evergreen tree with lights and tinsel and an angel on top and underneath it I want the word Christmas."

The owner looks at her. "Ooh, lady, it's none of my business, but that is probably the most unusual request I've ever heard. Why in the world do you want to do that?"

"Well," the lady said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there's never anything good to enjoy between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

anything good to "EAT " ............That sounds better

 

[my mod]

While creating wives, God promised men that
good and obedient wives would be found in all
corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round

 

[my mod]

TwoNewfoundlanders are drinking in a small bar in Cornerbrook.

Fred says, "Did you know that Lions havesex 10 to 15 times a night!"

"Ah,ch!t." Says Jim. "I just joined the Kiwanis".

 

[koby]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1 - In which battle did Napolean die?
A - In his last one

Q2 - Where was the Declaration of Independence signed
A - Bottom Left

Q3 - River Ravi flows in which state?
A - liquid

Q4 - What is the main reason for divorce
A - marriage

Q5 - What can you never eat for breakfast
A - lunch & dinner

Q6 - What looks like half an apple?
A - the other half

Q7 - If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A - wet

Q8 - How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A - He sleeps at night

Q9 - If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a wall how long would it take 4 men?
A - not ime at all, it's allready built

Q10 - How can you drop an egg on a concret floor without cracking it?
A - anyway you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

[underdog]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1 - In which battle did Napolean die?
A - In his last one

Q2 - Where was the Declaration of Independence signed
A - Bottom Left

Q3 - River Ravi flows in which state?
A - liquid

Q4 - What is the main reason for divorce
A - marriage

Q5 - What can you never eat for breakfast
A - lunch & dinner

Q6 - What looks like half an apple?
A - the other half

Q7 - If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A - wet

Q8 - How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A - He sleeps at night

Q9 - If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a wall how long would it take 4 men?
A - not ime at all, it's allready built

Q10 - How can you drop an egg on a concret floor without cracking it?
A - anyway you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

That is pure genius!

sent from a phone

 

[PINKalicious]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1 - In which battle did Napolean die?
A - In his last one

Q2 - Where was the Declaration of Independence signed
A - Bottom Left

Q3 - River Ravi flows in which state?
A - liquid

Q4 - What is the main reason for divorce
A - marriage

Q5 - What can you never eat for breakfast
A - lunch & dinner

Q6 - What looks like half an apple?
A - the other half

Q7 - If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A - wet

Q8 - How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A - He sleeps at night

Q9 - If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a wall how long would it take 4 men?
A - not ime at all, it's allready built

Q10 - How can you drop an egg on a concret floor without cracking it?
A - anyway you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

haha x2 that is funny!

 

[ferniesnow]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1 - In which battle did Napolean die?
A - In his last one

Q2 - Where was the Declaration of Independence signed
A - Bottom Left

Q3 - River Ravi flows in which state?
A - liquid

Q4 - What is the main reason for divorce
A - marriage

Q5 - What can you never eat for breakfast
A - lunch & dinner

Q6 - What looks like half an apple?
A - the other half

Q7 - If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
A - wet

Q8 - How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A - He sleeps at night

Q9 - If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a wall how long would it take 4 men?
A - not ime at all, it's allready built

Q10 - How can you drop an egg on a concret floor without cracking it?
A - anyway you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Nice find Koby. I would also have given him/her 100%!

That is thinking in another order and not enough people can doo that.....

 

[eclipse1966]

While Scotty was sunbathing naked at the beach in Florida For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

 

[eclipse1966]

AHH. YOU GOT TO LOVE COMMON SENSE
>> Newfie Loggers...
>
>
>> A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean . When he
>> gets to Nanaimo , he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But
>> first he must find a job.
>> He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as
>> an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking
>> for someone.
>>
>> But first, the Bush Foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the
>> company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck
>> on the side of the road and points at a tree.
>> 'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how
>> many board feet of lumber it contains.'
>> The Newfie promptly answers, 'Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and she got 383
>> board feet a' lumber in 'er.'
>> The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about
>> a mile down the road.. He points at another tree through the passenger door
>> window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree and of a
>> different class..
>> 'Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet.' says the
>> Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly
>> and got the answers right without even using a calculator!
>> One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman
>> stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side
>> window.
>> 'And what about that one?'
>> Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, 'A Yeller Cedar, 242
>> board feet at most.'
>>
>> The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little
>> pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he is.
>> As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to
>> step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'See that tree
>> over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.' The foreman
>> thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?'
>> When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while
>> looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the
>> trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.
>> 'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure,' the Newfie states.
>>
>> The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the hell do
>> you know that's the front of the tree?'
>> The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot
>> cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Cuz someone took a ch!t behind it!'
>> He got the job.
>> Three weeks later, he became the foreman.
>

 

[my mod]

TOP TEN REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN:

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women...


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

 

[my mod]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission in darkest Brazil
where he has spent years teaching
the natives right from wrong, when he

Realizes that the one thing he never taught them was
how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointsto a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at t he tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk
a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is arock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunt s, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the resultswhen he hears

A rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top,

he sees a couple of
Natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,

'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his

blowgun and kills them.


The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that

he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be

civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he

kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'


Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads and
be darn careful when riding someone else's bicycle.

 

[my mod]

Roger,85,married Jenny, alovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she andRoger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new butaged husband may over-exert himselfif they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and theexpected knock on the door. Sure enough the knockcomes, the door opensand there is Roger,her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite asone.All goes well, Rogertakes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go tosleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, andit's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'.Somewhat surprised, Jennyconsents for morecoupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fondgood night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is backagain, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a25-year-old, ready for more'action'. And, oncemore they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I amthoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.I have been with guys less than a third of your agewho were only goodonce. You are truly agreat lover, Roger..'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been herealready tonight?'

 

[Polarisgurl500]

A man calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting ..so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day Weekend?".....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?
We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. He said "but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer.

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
Never, Never, Never
try to outsmart a woman!!!

 

[my mod]

The Canadian mint announced yesterday that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of the program featuring quarters from each Province.
The action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin-operated device.
The problem lies in the unique design of the quarter, which was designed by a team of genuine Newfoundlanders.
Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.

 

[my mod]

Be nice. Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!"

(Kinda brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it.)

 

[eclipse1966]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.



The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.



When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.



The barber replied: “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

 

[polaris011]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Summitric]

Copper Wire Discovered








After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Vancouver, B.C. scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by Vancouver, in the weeks that followed, a Toronto, Ontario archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Trenton. Shortly after, a story in the Toronto Sun read: “ Toronto archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than Vancouver."
One week later, a local newspaper in Vegreville, AB. reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Mundare, Eddie, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Eddie has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Alberta had already gone wireless".
Just makes a person proud to be from Alberta.

 

[my mod]

The current plight ofthe Costa Concordia reminds one of a comment made by Winston Churchill.
After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruiseliner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Ministershould choose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.

“First, their cuisine is unsurpassed.

Second, their service is superb.

And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.