Required: Sense of humor

[whitegold]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered ourpet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid biotch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her azz with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat azz downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

[~Rowdy~]

Where I get all my greeting cards...amazing

 

[koby]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends... ]

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.











.

 

[whitegold]

Tough Love from a Pilot



Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.


I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

SHOULD WORK WITH GRANDKIDS ALSO.

 

[my mod]

A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is
going at this time of night.

The man replies: "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse, the
damaging effects it has on the human body, and its consequences."

The officer then asks: "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this
time of night?"

The man replies: "My Wife"

 

[my mod]

UKRAINIAN BLONDE



An attractive blonde from Kiev arrived at the casino and bet

twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm

'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES,

YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes

and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Ukrainians are stupid..

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men.

 

[what_next]

[YT]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=mfF1vkMQ0h0[/YT]

 

[~Rowdy~]

hehehe

 

[whitegold]

 

[snochuk]

Men - We do understand the English language!


This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and

buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."


A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[my mod]

The Nooner

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you... Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

 

[RETODD]

 

[Mike270412]

[YT]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xFaJUZRkQM&feature=email[/YT]

 

[my mod]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

 

[my mod]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if
military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban
authorities will cut off America's and Canada 's supply of convenience
store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will
be next, followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers customer service reps.

It's getting ugly folks.

 

[my mod]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
!

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

 

[Summitric]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.



2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.



3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.



4. A dog's parents never visit.



5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.



6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.



7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.



8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.



9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"




10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.



11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.



12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.



13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.



And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.




To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then, open it and see who's happy to see you.

 

[~Rowdy~]

hehehe

 

[RETODD]

Harlequin novel, version 2011

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into
A room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
Approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice
Close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands
Start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves,
Slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
Experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a
Slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage and then, as he
Cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
Shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
Expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man
Not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he
Wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . .. .


"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

 

[Riverjet]

How do french women hold their liquor?





































































By the ears!