Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
Throttle*Queen
Active VIP Member
Daughter-mommy! i got 5$!
Mom-Well how did you get that?
Daughter: Tommy said if i show him how i do my cartwheels while he sits up in his tree house he will give me 5$!
Mom-honey thats only because he can look at your underwear! Dont take anymore money from him!
*Next Day!*
Daughter- Mommy, mommy, i got 10$ from tommy
*mom looks disapionted*
Daughter: But mommy, its okay! i tricked tommy today
i did not wear my underwear this time
Mom-Well how did you get that?
Daughter: Tommy said if i show him how i do my cartwheels while he sits up in his tree house he will give me 5$!
Mom-honey thats only because he can look at your underwear! Dont take anymore money from him!
*Next Day!*
Daughter- Mommy, mommy, i got 10$ from tommy
*mom looks disapionted*
Daughter: But mommy, its okay! i tricked tommy today
i did not wear my underwear this time
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
- Staff
- #1,724
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2006
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- 48,072
- Reaction score
- 32,180
- Location
- Edmonton/Sherwood Park
- Website
- www.bumpertobumper.ca
Michael Ignatieff was visiting an Ontario primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Ignatieff if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So Ignatieff asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered:
If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
Incorrect, said Ignatieff. That would be an accident.
A little girl raised her hand:
If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.
'I'm afraid not', explained Ignatieff, that's what we would refer to as a great loss''
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Ignatieff searched the room.
Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
If a plane carrying you and Mr. Layton and Mr. Duceppe were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
Fantastic, exclaimed Ignatieff, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
Well, said Johnny, it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f ---- ing accident either!
So Ignatieff asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered:
If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.
Incorrect, said Ignatieff. That would be an accident.
A little girl raised her hand:
If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.
'I'm afraid not', explained Ignatieff, that's what we would refer to as a great loss''
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Ignatieff searched the room.
Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
If a plane carrying you and Mr. Layton and Mr. Duceppe were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
Fantastic, exclaimed Ignatieff, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
Well, said Johnny, it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f ---- ing accident either!
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
"You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
whitegold
Active VIP Member
>
> As we older folks know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
>
> I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door,
> whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
>
> Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
>
> He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
>
> 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
> Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
> 'No,' I replied.
>
> 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
> So I wrote down:
>
>
>
> ID10T
>
> I used to like Eric, the little chit.
>
> As we older folks know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
>
> I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door,
> whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
>
> Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
>
> He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
>
> 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
> Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
> 'No,' I replied.
>
> 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
> So I wrote down:
>
>
>
> ID10T
>
> I used to like Eric, the little chit.
>
RETODD
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2008
- Messages
- 7,317
- Reaction score
- 210
- Location
- The business end of a Beer!
- Website
- www.valemountvacationrental.com
whitegold
Active VIP Member
An Alberta cowboy walked into a drug store in Vancouver and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a........
Permanent Erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said...... 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said......
We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store .......
A company pickup truck ........
Two home cooked dinners a week .......
And $3,000 a month in living expenses.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a........
Permanent Erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'
The pharmacist said...... 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'
When she returned, she said......
We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
1/3 ownership in the store .......
A company pickup truck ........
Two home cooked dinners a week .......
And $3,000 a month in living expenses.
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
complements of south park
Q- why didn't the roster wear any pants.
A- cause his peckers on his face
_________________________________
Q- what do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over.
A- doughnuts
Q- why didn't the roster wear any pants.
A- cause his peckers on his face
_________________________________
Q- what do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over.
A- doughnuts
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
MALE SENSITIVITY
> The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class
> was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
> breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance
> to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
>
> She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
> especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
> delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft
> surface like grass or a path.
>
> She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember You're in this together It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
>
> The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
> Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
>
> "Yes, answered the Instructor.
>
> "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while
> we walk??
>
> This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
> The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class
> was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
> breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance
> to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
>
> She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
> especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
> delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft
> surface like grass or a path.
>
> She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember You're in this together It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
>
> The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
> Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
>
> "Yes, answered the Instructor.
>
> "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while
> we walk??
>
> This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Premature Ejaculation Problem
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he
decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure
his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are
getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his
wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments
later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor
asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my
wife ch!t on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out
of the closet with his hands in the air."
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he
decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure
his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are
getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his
wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments
later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor
asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my
wife ch!t on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out
of the closet with his hands in the air."
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb making class inMelbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!
If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'
'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.'
'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street , and tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish...'
I said, 'No ch!t?'
If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'
'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.'
'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street , and tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish...'
I said, 'No ch!t?'
Throttle*Queen
Active VIP Member
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley,
cracks a beer,
lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley,
cracks a beer,
lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
modmanmike
Active VIP Member
Customer : I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support : OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah.
Tech support : And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…..
Tech support : Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer : A white one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support : Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support : That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male Customer : Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support : Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates, damn it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : I have problems printing in red…
Tech support : Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah……………….. thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support : Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support : Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support : Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support : That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support : Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support : Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support : That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support : OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support : Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And last but not least…
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support : On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support : “P”… on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
Tech support : OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah.
Tech support : And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…..
Tech support : Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer : A white one.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support : Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support : That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No… wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male Customer : Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support : Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates, damn it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : I have problems printing in red…
Tech support : Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah……………….. thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer : My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support : Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support : Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support : Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support : That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer : I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support : Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support : Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support : That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry… Internet Explorer.
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Customer : I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support : OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support : Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”
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And last but not least…
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support : On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support : “P”… on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
whitegold
Active VIP Member
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.
"Air Canada."
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto, 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.
"Air Canada."
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one....a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable
level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable
level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
- Staff
- #1,739
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2006
- Messages
- 48,072
- Reaction score
- 32,180
- Location
- Edmonton/Sherwood Park
- Website
- www.bumpertobumper.ca
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
Bartender, i'll have a bin laden.
What is that?
Two shots and a splash of water
What is that?
Two shots and a splash of water
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