Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

Post Mortem




It is true things happen in 3's



Bin Laden;

Ignatieff;

and,

Duceppe.

Not a bad 36 hours!!

 

[my mod]

Subject: Texting for Seniors

Thought you needed help with texting your friends...after all, the kids have all their little
codes...like BFF, WTF, etc. So here are the codes for seniors:


ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil


Hope these help!


GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

 

[snochuk]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....
that's just great....
Some azzhole's got my pen!'

 

[whitegold]

LONGEVITY


Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...



_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE

FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You ' re next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[my mod]

Telephone Poles
>
>
> There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys..

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
>
> Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys,
> came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
>
> Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."
>
> The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
>
> "Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the
> ground."

 

[my mod]

An elderly couple, in their 80's, went to a sex therapist's office and asks the doctor to watch them have sex. The doc is so amazed at such an elderly couple wanting sexual advice that he agrees. After watching them, the doc says, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex." He charges them $50 and they go on their way. The couple returns the next week and again ask the doc to watch them have sex. After several weeks of this, the doc finally asked the couple what they wanted him to find out. The old man replies, "we're not trying to find out anything. I'm married, so we can't go to my house, she's married so we can't go to her house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me only $7 to pay to get some ass, & since you’re a doctor it's confidential.

 

[my mod]

Subject: IF CONFUCIUS WERE ALIVE TODAY..............
>
>
>
> Man, who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
> Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
> Lady who goes camping must beware of evil in tent.
> Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
> Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
> Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
> War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
> Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
> It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
> Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
> Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
> Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> Man who fish in other man’s well sometimes catches crabs.
>
>
> Finally Confucius
>
> "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood

 

[green-horn]

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His

wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,

"Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that

Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning

herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put

on her coat.

He says, "Where the heck are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."

 

[green-horn]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[green-horn]

A letter to the editor in the Toronto Sun writes...


“An NDP surge? Don’t get too excited.
It may just be a premature eJackuLayton.”

 

[whitegold]

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**



**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ............**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

 

[Summitric]

...........

 

[youngpolarisguy]

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.
Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited.
"Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"

 

[youngpolarisguy]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."

 

[what_next]

 

[youngpolarisguy]

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a crowd of people shouting, "Come on My Face."

 

[underdog]

View attachment 91007

Bahahaha!

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

 

[youngpolarisguy]

What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', and is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside?










































.. Coconut.... What were you thinking?

 

[what_next]

 

[what_next]