Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

Two men were sitting next to each
other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other
and says, 'I can't help but
think, from listening to you, that you're from
Sweden.'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from
Sweden might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Stockholm, I
am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on
in Stockholm The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was.
I lived on McCleary Street
in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St.
Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And
so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1984.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the
same bar tonight. Can you
believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1984 my
own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits
down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking
his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Sedin twins are pissed again.'

 

[Summitric]

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
bible... Is that true? Where is it?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
olds when they enter antique stores?A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

SMILE, You've still got your
sense of humor, RIGHT?

 

[Summitric]

...............

 

[whoDEANie]

[YT]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGbwUrZ9eDk&feature=player_detailpage[/YT]

 

[my mod]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small
stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead & said,






"Your f-cking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[~Rowdy~]

32 Pictures You Need To See Before You Die: Pics, Videos, Links, News

haha I like #25

 

[mudd kitty]

Awe Rowdy Im a sucker for cute pics!!! I like the pigmy hippo!!

 

[my mod]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt;
and ached almost all the time. The midget
went to the doctor and told him about his
problem. The doctor told him to drop his
pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood
him up onto the examining table, and started to
examine him. The doctor put one finger under
his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for
a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his
finger under the right testicle, he asked the
midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his
surgical scissors....

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . .
then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look,
but noted with amazement that the snipping did
not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to
walk around the examining room to see if his
testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he
walked around and discovered his testicles were
no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't
even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the
top of your cowboy boots..."

 

[my mod]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty tail light. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit (CCP).

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 - 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a f$%king thing!"

 

[Bnorth]

An old man, a boy & a donkey

were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.


As they went along they passed some people


who remarked "What a shame the old man
is walking and the boy is riding."

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who

remarked "What a shame.... he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk!


Soon they passed some more people

who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."


So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people


who shamed them by saying "How awful to
put such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and man figured they were probably right,
so they decide to carry the donkey.


As they crossed the bridge,

they lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned.



The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!

 

[Bnorth]

An old guy was in Costco the other day, pushing his shopping trolley around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes,
long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that....

 

[Bnorth]

The Recession has hit everybody.. ...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with pennies while she
danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," call them and
ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people
who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

 

[Bnorth]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"



Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."



With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"



Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[Bnorth]

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.



"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.



"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."



The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.



The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.



"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."



She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"



Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.



"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"



"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."



The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.



"What's up love?" he asks.



"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.



"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.



"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.



"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.



"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!



The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.



"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.



"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

 

[Bnorth]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington DC when
he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside
to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the
Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've
seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist,
and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

--------------------------------------------------

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

--------------------------------------------------

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

 

[Bnorth]

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?

A licker cabinet.


2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

A Klondyke.


3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

Militia Etheridge.


4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.


5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders.


6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

A Lickalotapuss.


7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

Well Hung.


8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool table doesn't have balls.


10. What do you call lesbian twins?


Lick-a-likes.


11. What's the definition of confusion?


Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.


12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?


One's a snack-cracker, the other's a crack-snacker.


13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 postal workers?


100 people that don't do dick.

 

[Bnorth]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really"

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them ch!t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ch!t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

READ ALL THE WAY TO THE VERY END. YOU'LL ENJOY IT.






To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it


Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting...


Short Neurological Test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!




SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!





HEARING AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

 

[country_shorty88]

HERE'S THE REASON WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!



Bubba had shingles.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate
this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line?




Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name,

address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.


Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba
what he had... Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height,

weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining
room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood
pressure test, anelectrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off
all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting
patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles..' The doctor asked, 'Where?'



Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to
unload 'em??'

 

[whitegold]

>
> After being married for 40 years, I took a
> careful look at my wife one day and said
> .... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
> junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and
> white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot
> 23-year-old girl.
>
> Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a
> $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm
> sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that
> you're not holding up your side of things."
>
> My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told
> me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl
> and she would make sure that I would once
> again be living in a cheap house, driving a
> junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
> white TV.
>
> Aren't older women great? They really know
> how to solve an old guy's problems.
>