Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

A Ukrainian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set
To square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's
Trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Ukie.

He's never lost a match, because of this *pretzel* hold he has.
So, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!!
If he does, you're finished !!"

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment........

As the match started, the Newfie and the Ukrainian

Circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Ukie lunged forward,.........
Grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded
Pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the
Crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands,
For he knew all was lost.

He couldn't bare to watch the inevitable happen.....

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from
The crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in
Time to watch the Ukrainian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander
Collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded !!..........

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked:

"How the hell did you ever get out of that hold??

No one has ever done it before!!...."

The wrestler answered:

"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold
But at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
Pair of testicles, right in front of my face.
I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength
I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could !!"

The trainer exclaimed:
"So, THAT'S what finished him off !!...."

"Not really".............

Replied the Newfie......

"You'd be amazed how strong you get,
When you bite your own nuts !!"....

 

[my mod]

Please read carefully and apply instructions




The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially
dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called
Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus
will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should
immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes -
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 

[arff]

PRISON ESCAPE

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

His wife responds, He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you too.

 

[heavy d]

.....

 

[koby]

.....

grabbin the qoute before the delete

good game brotha.................

 

[crazy_wheeler]

How do you know that Santa is a man?




A woman wouldn't wear the same outfit more than once.

 

[green-horn]

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
......AND...

A Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?


Your answer will reflect your personality.


So think carefully . . ..
Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?


Now scroll down to see the analysis.


:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:


If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.



A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

 

[green-horn]

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'


The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for theQueen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful buggers:d should remember fairies are female.....

 

[green-horn]

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet, because nobody has the balls to pull the cord!

 

[Mud Mum]

^^I'm embarrassed to say it took me a while to get that one^^

 

[polarice]

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet, because nobody has the balls to pull the cord!

dont care who you are that right there is darn funny

 

[whammy]

Pull the damn cord ,, an eye for an eye is saving more then you know...... I'd do it ,,, bastards........ not on this subway.........but i'm a billybob from Michigan...... USA.......

 

[Mud Mum]

How can you tell the difference between a Canadian, Australian, and an American Police Officer?

Pose the following question:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."
What do you do?

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover Toronto Star reporter looking for a news break?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... Snap! (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

 

[my mod]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .
The moral of the story - Pay your fuckin' bills.

 

[polarice]

Host Blows Turkey Caller Video

 

[whitegold]

This Christmas I'm putting Mistletoe in my back pocket

so all the people who don't like me can kiss my azz!

 

[whitegold]

You want me to do what????

 

[goodngrubby]

I do not have much of a car background and I was

wondering if you could answer one quick question for me ?

 

[polarice]

I do not have much of a car background and I was

wondering if you could answer one quick question for me ?

no but it makes the car look small

 

[green-horn]

Two Newfoundlanders got laid off



Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid

off, so they went to the unemployment office together. When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton

Panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and

Finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80

a week unemployment pay.


Mick was next and when asked his

occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled

job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.


When Paddy found out he

was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend

and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained,

"Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled

labor."



"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the

panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep,

diesel fitter!"