Required: Sense of humor

[Gunny]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Barack Obama has now been telling everyone he will capture Osama Bin Laden when
elected.

So, Osama himself decided to send Barack Obama a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Obama opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H

Obama was baffled, so he emailed it to Howard Dean. Dean and the DNC
and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Joe Biden. Joe Biden could not solve so it was sent to the FBI and the CIA.

Eventually they asked John McCain and his Staff to look at it. And within minutes McCain's Staff emailed Obama with this reply: "Tell Obama he's holding the message upside down".

 

[Gunny]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone with
cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very
hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has
been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only
those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge visit there.



THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, Ruled by Nuts.

 

[Mike270412]

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN ...

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and

a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling

and laughing away,

While flying around

in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer

to pull him along,

Then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong!

 

[albertagal500]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

What is your last request?

The Lone Ranger responds,
'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by
both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully

for.... the.... last....freaking time,

I said.....


'BRING POSSE'

 

[albertagal500]

Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next."

 

[Mike270412]

YouTube - Adam Sandler original Chanukah (Hanukkah) Song

My favorite "Christmas" song

 

[polarice]

required sense of humor

Need a Push
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

[clint/KTM/16]

Re: joke of the day

haha. i;m gunna post my own.

A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she’s a BIG Flames fan.
She’s really excited about it and asks the kids if they’re Flames fans too.

Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they’re Flames fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Wayne

the teacher looks at Wayne and says, "Wayne, you’re not a Flames fan?"

He says, "Nope, I’m a Oiler fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Oiler fan and not a Flames fan?"

Wayne says, "Well, my mom is a Oiler fan, and my dad is a Oiler fan, so I’m a Oiler fan."

The teacher’s not real happy. She’s a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"

Wayne says, "Then I’d be a Flames fan!

 

[buck50]

Re: required sense of humor

LMAO!!!!!!!!!! gooder!

 

[POWDERSLUT]

Re: required sense of humor

LOL you would have to be an idiotic moron to like the FLAMERS.GO OILERS GO

 

[RockyMtn]

.....





CHEERS!!!!!

 

[badss]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches
off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the He!! is this??", he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker:....
"It's not talcum powder.......
It's 'Miracle Grow'

ROALMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hurt my guts....thats halarious !!!!!!

 

[crazy_wheeler]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'

The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?'

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...

'My wife's first husband.'

 

[flatout]

That's some great stuff, keep it coming. I am hoping to see you down in the mountains at the end of Jan for a little riding and a whole lot of party.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Lmao..........

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
'Well,' replies Paul, 'you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?'
'Yes,' replies Jeff with a laugh.
'Well,' says Paul, straightening up, 'I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.'
'That`s great!' says Jeff, 'When are you going out?'
'I went to meet her this evening,' continues Paul, 'but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show.'
'Sensible' says Jeff.
'So I get to her door,' says Paul, 'and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.'
'And what happened then?'
Paul slumps back over the bar again.
'I kicked her in the face.'

 

[crazy_wheeler]

A lonely old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly constructed for swimming.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man replied, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

 

[snochuk]

Lmao..........

View attachment 14835

Must be the different haircuts

 

[SLEDBUNNYRACING]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

[Trashy]

The Captain of a ship, comes into port. Docks, and heads towards the local tavern.

He walks in, and the bartender notices a steering wheel half way down his pants.

So the Bartender says; " Captain....there's a steering wheel in your pants!!!!"

And the Captain says......

"ARRRR........IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS.........."