Required: Sense of humor

[crazy_wheeler]

Do Men Remember Anniversaries??


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today. '

 

[TylerG]

9,000 people are having sex right now.


2,000 are kissing.


100 are getting oral sex,


and

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1 lonely bastard is reading this post.




You hang in there.

 

[TylerG]

TURPENTINE VS HOLY WATER

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's @$$, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'

 

[Gunny]

TylerG ... your first ... joke (???) ... just made me really depressed ... ya Bast%$# !!!!

The second joke had me ... damn smartas* kid anyway !!!!

Later ...

 

[4byrookie]

This one will bring tears to your eyes.

[media]http://www.break.com/index/funniest_laugh_ever.html[/media]

 

[Gunny]

OMH !!! ...


Later ...

 

[Gunny]

Two Old Geezers

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old Geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead !”

“Dead ?” says his friend, “Why do you say that ?”

“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”

“A witch ?? … Why the hell would you say that ?”

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window ...Took my teeth with her !”

 

[albertagal500]

SOME GOOD GRANDMOTHERLY ADVICE !!

A nice old story with a different twist- will make you appreciate family.
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store
in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the
crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were
sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for
the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own
family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a
woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.
'Makes your dick look bigger.'
.....Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Fascinating biology facts

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

 

[Gunny]

Fascinating biology facts
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs

Real Funny .... Ya Bast%$# !!!!! .........


Later ...

 

[crazy_wheeler]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' :d

 

[crazy_wheeler]

One day, a long, long time ago there was a women that did not whine nag or bitch,





but it was a long time ago and just for that one day.
the end.




.

How true...
If she's not complaining that I work to much it's b/c I want to go quadding or sledding.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

This roughneck went to the hardware store. The attendant asked what he needed and he told him he needed a wrench. When asked what type of wrench, the roughneck replied "It don't make no difference I'm going to use it for a hammer anyway.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

In The Oilfield:
A SALESMAN starts out knowing a great deal about one thing and goes on learning more and more about less and less, until he knows practically everything about nothing.

An ENGINEER starts out knowing a little about many things and goes out learning less and less about more and more, until he knows practically nothing about everything

TOOLPUSHERS and COMPANYMEN start out knowing everything about everything, but end up knowing nothing about nothing because of their association with SALESMEN and ENGINEERS.

DRILLERS, on the other hand, know everything about everything and end up knowing everything 'bout everything due to their total disregard of advise given by SALESMEN, ENGINEERS, TOOLPUSHERS and COMPANYMEN

 

[ballsout]

Q: Why Doesn't Saskatoon have an NHL team?


A: Because if saskatoon gets an NHL team then Calgary is going to want one to

 

[ballsout]

A three legged dog dog walks into a bar, jumps on the bar, looks around with a scowl and says, "Anyone know who shot my paw?"

 

[albertagal500]

Whale Humor

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. What's the matter darling?

Look love, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!!

 

[crazy_wheeler]

What's the difference between a case of beer and a Case tractor????
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The headache will go away after a case of beer.....:d:d:d

 

[RaspberryNytro]

Heard a good one today!!!

Listening to Sirius radio today on Hair Nation I think.............. VJ says " what's a Texas virgin............ girl who runs faster than her brother"
Anybody else got some???


RN

 

[brew_doo]

Re: Heard a good one today!!!

What's red and white and hangs in a tree? A baby that go caught in a snowblower.