Required: Sense of humor
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tripster
Active VIP Member
Subject: Buying a Gun
When I was ready to pay for my bullets and gun powder, the cashier at the gun store said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer
I still don't think I looked that bad.
When I was ready to pay for my bullets and gun powder, the cashier at the gun store said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer
I still don't think I looked that bad.
Joholio
Active VIP Member
How doo you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
My daughter Hanna(6) just told me that hahahaa
Boil the hell out of it!
My daughter Hanna(6) just told me that hahahaa
intmid8or!
Problem Child
sticky'd
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre.
He Could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London
Was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.
It Was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements Clean.
One Day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a Proposition.
I Can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, You can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free Proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column,
opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.
All The pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in The air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed
The blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London
of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged Nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for
1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the
man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The Man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE Question.
The
Mayor asked: 'Do You have a blue Muslim ??
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Bell needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for Fort McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Newfoundland and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Bud and Buddy, the Newfoundland guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Bud, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Buddy and me, we got three in.
"The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Bud, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"
So the boss met with both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Bud and Buddy, the Newfoundland guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Bud, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Buddy and me, we got three in.
"The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Bud, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last
night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out,
throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please
take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then,
sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the
house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to
write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that ?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... Dad, meet
my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Trudeau’s
election campaign.”
night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out,
throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please
take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then,
sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the
house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to
write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that ?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... Dad, meet
my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Trudeau’s
election campaign.”
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
An Arab was washed up on the shore of a desert island after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to
the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Arab.
Soon he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the Arab man
took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no
more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Arab
man had ever seen without Burkha.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Arab started to get 'those feelings' and thanked Allah for bestowing the
moment to satisfy his carnal desire.
He cuddled up close to the young woman and whispered in her ear,
' Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? '
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to
the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze
was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Arab.
Soon he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the Arab man
took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no
more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Arab
man had ever seen without Burkha.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Arab started to get 'those feelings' and thanked Allah for bestowing the
moment to satisfy his carnal desire.
He cuddled up close to the young woman and whispered in her ear,
' Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? '
TheNewfie Hooker
ANewfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the Shadows.
'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell,
it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding
annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!
ANewfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the Shadows.
'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.
Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell,
it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding
annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!
tripster
Active VIP Member
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast. Ha.....ha.....ha.....Love it....
MK4TDI
Active VIP Member
An Alberta Indian picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da hour?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'Do you do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style?'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300?'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400?'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.?'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Indian Style be?''
So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'??
The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government'
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'Do you do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style?'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300?'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400?'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.?'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Indian Style be?''
So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'??
The Indian replies 'You send bill to Government'
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
| A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!" Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year.” |
tripster
Active VIP Member
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
doorfx
Active VIP Member
A woman was in a coma.
She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the
curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.!'
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight
response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the
curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.!'
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about 45 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.
"So" says the second drunk, " whats your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get"
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about 45 degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.
"So" says the second drunk, " whats your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get"
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