Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the 'Toonie' (two dollars) in view of its demise soon with global warming.​

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In the height of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer.​

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Instead of calling it a "toonie", it will now be called "two fawking bucks"​

 

[eclipse1966]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

 

[winterax]

College girl brings her new boyfriend over to meet her folks. Mom asks him his name, and he says, "Christopher...mother****er.....c**k*****r.... Flan agan." After a long, uncomfortable silence, Mom says to him, "Connie didn't tell us you had Tourette's." The boy says, "I don't, but the sob who baptized me did."​

 

[winterax]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower............. Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. '

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff........................

 

[winterax]

Korean Missile Crisis

In light of the recent events in North Korea the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise in alert level was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "F**k Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The US have raised their threat level from "There's no oil there" to "Are we sure there isn't any oil there?". The next step is "Fight a guerilla war" and then "Walk away quietly and hope nobody notices we lost again"

 

[Bnorth]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

 

[Trashy]

A sledder was sitting at a bar when a girl comes up to him and ask if he was a real sledder, he said, "well my mom and dad were snowmobilers for their entire lives and also I was born in a warm up shack and I been sledding for my entire life, so I guess you could say I'm a real sledder. The girl looks at him for a couple seconds and then says " I'm a lesbian, everything I do and think about has to do with women, I think about women when I'm in the shower, I think about women when I'm at the bar and I think about women when watching tv". After The girl said that she stood up and left. A couple seconds went by and then a guy came up and ask the snowmobiler if he was a real sledder and the snowmobiler said, " I use to think I was but now I think I'm a lesbian".

 

[Dragonalain]

When a kid is being a brat in a noisy and public area, I casually get close to them and fart on their head/face. I'm really tall so it's usually a direct hit.

It's funniest when the kid notices and doesn't know what to do because I'm a giant.

One time I was pretty drunk with a friend at a Target buying Risk. This little mexican 5-7 year old with a mohawk, was being an insufferable little **** in the action figure section. I heard him from like 5 aisles over and it was like nails on a chalkboard. I tell my friend, "I'm gonna fart on this kids head. Watch and learn."

I saunter on over to the aisle in question and see the vile little prick calling his mom an "idiot" for not buying him a huge G.I. JOE The Movie vehicle. "I already bought that one for you and you broke it by throwing it down the stairs" "SHUT UP. I NEED IT. IT'S THE ONLY ONE I DON'T HAVE NOW." The mother was younger than me (I'm mid twenties) and gave a defeated look, "I don't have enough money right now." "YOU ARE AN IDIOT," and continued to just berate and publicly shame this woman.

At the time, I was on a strict Chipotle carnitas burrito diet. And while I was watching all this, my stomach gave me an initial warning gurgle (very courteous stomach) telling me I was about an hour away from punishing the toilet. Serendipity! Destiny!

The kid shouts "F**K YOU, I HATE YOU!" The mom rolls her eyes and turns her back to the kid to ignore him. And could you believe it, the kid gets on his hands and knees and starts taking the toy out of the box. It's go time, mother**ker.

I position my back towards him and at this point am like 2 feet away from him. I bend down to reach for the one of the toys on the lower shelf. At this point, my ass is INCHES away from this kids head.

I'm so close that from a distance it looks like I'm about to sit on him,. My friend sees this happening and can no longer contain himself. He's covering his mouth, but his 'hee-haw' hyperventilating donkey chortle is fairly audible over the late 90's pop muzak playing on the loudspeakers.

The kid immediately looks up towards the laughter, but can't help but notice there is an ass now directly in his face. Now, I'm trying not to laugh but also panicking as I just made eye contact with him. He furls his brow and I look over in the mother's direction, still back towards us. I relish in the moment and the look on this child's confused and naive face.

The initial blast was mighty and boisterous. I swear I saw his hair blowing in the wind (so to speak). If I wasn't wearing jeans, I think it could have probably blown over an empty soda can. I would call it "a very fun fart" (A++ would buy again). However, what immediately followed that out the chamber was truly horrifying. The fart's implication changed without notice and swiftly. It went from a joyous, dry airhorn squeal to a nefarious, hissing mephitis. I think the little moppet noticed the hateful metamorphosis before even I did because he wretched his neck violently trying to get away from the personified evil being fumigated into his soul. Because of his positioning (hovering over the toy, hands and knee), it was all in vain as the only way out was forward...and forward would mean certain death.

In total, it lasted about 4 seconds but for that kid, it must have seemed like time was frozen. The long-term severe brain damage which he no doubt suffered, only added to that effect.

When I finished, there was a silent, pregnant pause. The kid was clearly shocked and stunned. No one had ever stood up to this dwarf sociopath in his whole life. I had taken the words out of his mouth and filled it with fart.

I make my move first, picking up the toy I was "reaching for" off the low shelf, take a few steps forward and stare at it for a few seconds. The only thing the kid could manage to do was burst into tears. My friend senses danger 'the jig is up' and his head darts for cover. The mom turns around to see her kid with an open toy, crying on the floor and me minding my own business.

She walks up to him and asks what's wrong but the kid can't speak. All he gets out is, "BAWAWAAAWAFARTBAWAWA." It took every fiber in my body not to laugh.

Sensing that his assailant was getting away scot-free, he somehow managed to compose himself for a moment. He shouts, "HE FARTED ON ME!" I was ALMOST around the corner when the mom goes:

"Excuse me....sir....SIR!"

I turn around nonplussed, "Uh...who? Me?" while pointing to myself.

"Yes. Did YOU just FART on my son?"

Weighing my options, I played dumb. "What? I mean, I did fart."

"On my son?"

"Well, I mean, technically speaking...I mean...what is 'on'?"

"Why did you fart on my son?"

At this point the little kid has the look of schadenfreude on his face, happy to see me in trouble. F**k you, I'M A MAN! I WILL FART ON YOU IF I PLEASE! I turn my attention to the little kid and stare at him, "Because the whole store could hear him being a little, rotten a-hole to his mother so I thought I'd come over here and treat him like one."

The mom looks at me, her son and the scattered GI JOE/wrappers/box on the floor. The mom is puzzled as to what to do and says, "Just..just go." That's my cue! I turn around, walk away with little extra step. As soon as I turn the corner, I book it outside as fast as I can.

We laugh on the car ride back about the whole scene. With a slight hint of seriousness in his tone, my friend asks me:

"Do you do that a lot?"

"Ahhh, not that much. Like once every 6 months or so."

We both knew I was lying.




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[Bnorth]

A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub,

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.’ '

She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you? '

'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

 

[SRT]

A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub,

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.’ '

She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you? '

'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

I don't get it


Sent from missing plane.

 

[Bnorth]

I don't get it


Sent from missing plane.

Replace Scottish with Newfy, you'll come around.

 

[tripster]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20each! Comes with complete instructions.

The girl excitedly whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll Take one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions. Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there!
'The man looked concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and sternly says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this...
ONE MORE TIME...

 

[Summiteer]

I don't get it


Sent from missing plane.

It's the politically correct version of the "cheap Jew" joke...

 

[DaveB]

It's the politically correct version of the "cheap Jew" joke...

On the iphone, the last line is missing.....

'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

 

[green-horn]

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO.


She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It’s quite all right," she replied,
"It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.

He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers
in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re ****tin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”
It's tough gettin old.

 

[green-horn]

Today's riddle

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.



What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?









Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round and go home!!

 

[lloydguy]

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper ____________________________ A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the fisrt place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." ​

 

[ferniesnow]

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.​

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?​

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.​

Teacher: Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...​

 

[Joholio]

So little Johnnys teacher asks the class to make up a sentence using the word fascinate.

Sally says "we went to the zoo and I was fascinated" to which the teacher says " very good, whos next?"

Tommy says "I looked up at the moon and stars and it was fascinating". Teacher says " very good, whos next?"

Little Johnny says "my sister has a shirt with nine buttons on it but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


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[tex78]

So little Johnnys teacher asks the class to make up a sentence using the word fascinate.

Sally says "we went to the zoo and I was fascinated" to which the teacher says " very good, whos next?"

Tommy says "I looked up at the moon and stars and it was fascinating". Teacher says " very good, whos next?"

Little Johnny says "my sister has a shirt with nine buttons on it but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


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Did slob Royer tell ya that one

He's got so many it's not even funny