Required: Sense of humor

[polarice]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything the saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between then into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son....

"Go get your mother."

 

[polarice]

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting sex tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"

 

[green-horn]

A buddy from Louisiana swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint, any kind, the cheaper the better, so also try Dollar Store, Big Lots, etc.

Go home and stir up the ant mounds and the area around them with a stick.

Spray 1/3 to 1/2 can on each mound and surrounding turf, covering fairly well.

Once the Ants realize they live in a black neighborhood,
they quit working and start killing each other.

 

[green-horn]

Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement. Well, I
applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going
to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at
various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud
outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking
for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with
pink trim.
The City Council told me; Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.
I love this country.

 

[green-horn]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian facility. After a few weeks in the Italian home, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson

It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here - he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor. There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor! And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me The Phucking Arab”.

 

[green-horn]

Wonderfully described definitions

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
Rolled in paper
With fire at one end
And a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
Wherein
A man loses his bachelors degree
And a woman gains her masters

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
From the notes of the lecturer
To the notes of students
Without passing through the minds
Of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
Multiplied by the
Number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
A cake in such a way that
Everybody believes
He got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
Masculine will power is
Defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
Nobody listens
And everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
You are going to feel
A feeling
You have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
Which people praise,
But never read


SMILE:
A curve
That can set
A lot of things straight!


OFFICE:
A place
Where you can relax
After your strenuous
Home life


YAWN:
The only time
When some married men
Ever get to open
Their mouth

EXPERIENCE:
The name
Men give
To their
Mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person
Who tells you
To go to hell
In such a way
That you actually look forward
To the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person
Who while falling
From EIFFEL TOWER
Says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER:
A person
Who lives poor
So that
He can die RICH!


FATHER:
A banker
Provided by
Nature

BOSS:
Someone
Who is early
When you are late
And late
When you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your Confidence
Later

DOCTOR:
A person
Who kills
Your ills
By pills,
And kills you
By his bills!

 

[polarice]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

 

[polarice]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No, I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

 

[polarice]

IS SEX WORK?


A U.S. Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work .

A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man

 

[green-horn]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.? The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

 

[green-horn]

Several days after President Obama was re-elected, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of beer, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton 's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent... even for a guy like me!"


Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

 

[green-horn]

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

 

[winterax]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"


Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."​

 

[snochuk]

 

[green-horn]

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO.


She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It’s quite all right," she replied,
"It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.
The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.

He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers
in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re ****tin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”
It's tough gettin old.

 

[green-horn]

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.




At age 12 success is having friends.



At age 16 success is having a driver license.



At age 20 success is having sex.



At age 35 success is having money.



At age 50 success is having money.



At age 60 success is having sex.



At age 70 success is having a driver license.



At age 75 success is having friends.



At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.



It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not. So, enjoy life as it comes, it's lots of fun !

 

[green-horn]

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take
care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!

That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

Oh, no not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."


Have I already sent this to you?

Or did you send it to me?

 

[eclipse1966]

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !! On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers, 'Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.

​

 

[Turts]

Turts, typing on Tapatalk

 

[Bnorth]

A man is driving down a deserted​

stretch of highway​

when he notices a sign​

out of the corner of his eye...​

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY​

THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER​