Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

Husband & wife exchange in poem

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

 

[green-horn]

Two elderly ladies were talking.



“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse;
Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.



Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have
Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to
spill half my wine than to forget where I keep
the bottle."

 

[green-horn]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Mike Duffy's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

 

[tripster]

The Italian Virginity Test


Mario is planning to marry and asks his
family doctor how he could tell if
his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know
use three things for what we call
a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~
a small can of Red paint,
a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel."

Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb
into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen !',

..........you hit her with the Shovel.

 

[eclipse1966]

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.



The great problem is, after a few years (or less),
the nympho leaves....

but the f$%ing maniac remains!!

 

[winterax]

Funny Motocross Start Gone Wrong - YouTube

 

[Joholio]

So last Friday night I go to pick up my new date, and I walk up to her door and knock. She opens the door looking fabulous, says a sweet little "hello there" and gives me a kiss on the cheek! She smells great so I comment " you smell so good, what do you have on?" She replies "Chanel No5, you smell good too, what do you have on?" To which I reply " well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it!"

 

[green-horn]

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

 

[green-horn]

Psychology 101 - This Is Brilliant!! (Simple truth)

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the
cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set
of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs
and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys
with cold water.

After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result
... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon
when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will
try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the
stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the
stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it
with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm, because
he is now part of the "team".

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by
the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs, he is attacked.

Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they
were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they
are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for
the banana.

Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has
always been!

This, my friends, is how Parliament operates... and this is why,
from time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

 

[green-horn]

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!


I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

[green-horn]

MARKETING

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast
lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you,
but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men
in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards
the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's former President Bill Clinton.

* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America!

 

[Bnorth]

The Fairy & The Immigrant Muslim
>
> A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee
> claimant outside the Ottawa Immigration Offices.
>
> 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you
> three wishes, since you've just arrived in Canada with your
> wife and seven children..'
>
> The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Pakistan where I come from
> we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot
> of gold in them.'
>
> The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --
> PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his
> mouth!
>
> 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
>
> The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with
> a three car garage in Toronto with eight bedrooms for my
> family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my
> country. I want to bring them all over here.'
>
> PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful
> mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout
> patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a new
> Hummer in the driveway.
>
> 'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
>
> I want to be Canadian - with Canadian clothes instead of rags,
> and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have
> white skin like the Canadians.'
>
> PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans
> from Best for Less, a dirty Wall-Mart T-shirt and a greasy
> baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
> disappeared from the horizon.
>
> 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my
> new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
>
> The fairy replied...'Tough luck. Now that you are Canadian,
> you're entitled to sweet f**k all just like the rest of us.'
>
> And she disappeared...

 

[green-horn]

Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian's head dress stood for?



A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the significance of
the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.


"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Pointing to a nearby young
brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?", pointing to a
second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."


The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"



The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"



"No deer," said the Chief. "A$$ too high, run too fast."

 

[green-horn]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter:
"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in Canadian government:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave **** for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

 

[green-horn]

I walked into a drug store in Bellevue and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only
pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male
employees.
She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I
would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she
would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to discuss,
but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was
wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister..
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the
absolute best we can do.
1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup
truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses"

 

[green-horn]

Researchers for the Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission found over 200 dead crows near the City of Pittsburgh recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks,
while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

PTC then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

 

[polarice]

There was this little boy who had no name. One day he went outside and heard someone say Jonny. He then tells his mother his first name would be Jonny. The second day he goes outside and hears the name Humper. So, he tells his mother his middle name was going to be Humper. The third day, Jonny goes out and hears the name Harder. Then, he tells his mother his full name shall be Jonny Humper Harder. Jonny goes out one day with handful of cookies. He sees this girl around his age and asks her if she would be willing to take off her shirt for a cookie. The little girls says that she would take off all her close for all of Jonny's cookIes. Jonny gives her the cookies and the girl takes off all her clothes. Hours later, the towns people all run up to them in the middle of the street and they cry,'' JONNY HUMPER HARDER''!!! Little Jonny yells,'' I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING!!!'''

 

[green-horn]

Bad Idea - Website Names






These are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear.





These are not made up. Check them out yourself!











1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: WhoRepresents?com | Database of Talent Representatives











2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: expertsexchange.com











3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island '. It can be found at:





Pen Island Pens - Home











4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: Under Construction











5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:





www.powergenitalia.com











6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com











7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky web site:





Speed of Art website of Nigel Talamo





Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site...

 

[green-horn]

Jeff Smith, the Senator from Québec calls senior citizens the
Greediest Generation as he compared "Social Security " to a Milk Cow
with over a million teats.

Here's a response in a letter from PATTY JOHNSTONE in Ontario ... I think
she is a little ticked off! She also tells it like it is!

Oh sooo true!


"Hey Jeff, let's get a few things straight!!!!!

1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole (tit)
for FIFTY YEARS.

2. I have been paying CPP & OHIP for 48 YEARS (since I
was 15 years old. I am now 63).

3. My Canada Pension payments, and those of millions of other
Canadians, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for
decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give
OUR money to a bunch of zero losers in return for votes, thus
bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme
that would make Bernie Madoff proud.

4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and "your ilk"
pulled the proverbial football away from millions of Canadian seniors
nearing retirement and moved the
goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age, 67. NOW, you and your
"shill commission" are proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN.

5. I, and millions of other Canadians, have been paying into
OHIP & CPP from Day One, and now "you morons" propose to change the rules
of the game. Why? Because "you idiots" mismanaged other parts of the
economy to such an extent that you need to steal our money from
OHIP & CCP to pay the bills.

6. I, and millions of other Canadians, have been paying income taxes
our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again.
Why? Because you "incompetent bastards" spent our money so profligately
that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now,
you come to the Canadian taxpayers and say you need more to pay off
YOUR debt.

To add insult to injury, you label us "greedy" for calling "bull****"
to your incompetence. Well, Captain Bull****, I have a few questions
for YOU:


1. How much money have you earned from the Canadian taxpayers during
your pathetic 50-year political career?

2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career,
and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the
Canadian taxpayers?

3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?

4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you
proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or as usual,
have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

It is you, Captain Bull****, and your political co-conspirators called
Parliament who are the "greedy" ones. It is you and your fellow nutcase
thieves who have bankrupted the Canadian Pension, OHIP and stolen the Canadian
dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers.

And for what? Votes and your job and retirement security at our
expense, you lunk-headed, leech.

That's right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted our benefits for the sole
purpose of advancing your pathetic, political careers. You know it, we
know it, and you know that we know it.

And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a B. NO, I
didn't stutter.

P.S. And stop calling CPP & OHIP "entitlements". WHAT
AN INSULT!!!!

I have been paying in to the CPP system for 45 years "It's my
money"-give it back to me the way the system was designed and stop
patting yourself on the back like you are being generous by doling out
these monthly check

 

[winterax]

Empty a bag of skittles into the toilet and then flush. It's like watching a five second long nascar race.