Required: Sense of humor

[tripster]

Aussie Helpline...........








" G'day mate, A u ssie H elpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that,

Bye."

 

[green-horn]

A Muslim and a Christian go to a pastry shop.

The Muslim whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Muslim says to the Christian: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!

The Christian says to the Muslim: Watch this; a Christian is always more clever than a Muslim.

He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!

The baker gives him the cookie which the Christian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:

Give me another cookie for my magic trick. The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: Give me one more cookie...

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Christian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: And where is your famous magic trick?


The Christian says: Look in the Muslim's pocket.

 

[green-horn]

Best Definition

There's an annual contest at the Griffiths University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was political correctness

The winning student wrote:
Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of $hit by the clean end

 

[green-horn]

Harley Davidson... The worlds most efficient way to turn Gasoline into noise without the harmful side effects of Horse Power!

 

[somethingnuw]

40 maps to help explain the world... not very funny but i found it interesting

http://twistedsifter.com/2013/08/maps-that-will-help-you-make-sense-of-the-world/

 

[green-horn]

Let us improve our knowledge of English

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic
collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows,

Flock of chickens,

School of fish

And a Gaggle of geese, and


A Pride of lions.

However, less widely known is:
A Murder of crows

(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),

An Exaltation of doves


And, presumably because they look so wise:
A Congress of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious,
most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.........

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not � A Parliament




YEP....A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!

 

[green-horn]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.

 

[green-horn]

Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"

 

[green-horn]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping.
Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the
other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell,
but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

[winterax]

 

[polarice]

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

 

[green-horn]

This is straight forward country thinking....................................
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes..
You may be a Muslim
3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim
10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

 

[green-horn]

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean .

When he gets to Nanaimo , he likes the place so much that he decides

to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application

as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be

looking for someone.

But first, the Bush Foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the

company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman

stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.

'See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and

how many board feet of lumber it contains.'

The Newfie promptly answers, 'Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and she

got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er.'

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops

again about a mile down the road.. He points at another tree through

the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time,

it's a bigger tree and of a different class..

'Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet.' says

the Newfie.

Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly

and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman

stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side

window.

'And what about that one?'

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, 'A Yeller Cedar,

242 board feet at most.'

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a

little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he is.

As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie

to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, 'See that

tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree.'

The foreman thinks to himself, 'Idiot! How would he know which is the

front of a tree?'

When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while

looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on

the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.

'Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure,' the Newfie states.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, 'How in the

hell do you know that's the front of the tree?'

The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left

boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, 'Cuz someone took a $hit

behind it!'

He got the job. Three weeks later, he became the foreman.

 

[somethingnuw]

Subject: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Putin's short speech!!



This is one time our elected leaders should pay attention to the advice of Vladimir Putin....


How scary is that?


On February 4th, 2013, Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, addressed the Duma, (Russian Parliament), and gave a speech about the tensions with minorities in Russia:


In Russia live Russians. Any minority, from anywhere, if it wants to live in Russia, to work and eat in Russia, should speak Russian, and should respect the Russian laws. If they prefer Sharia Law, then we advise them to go to those places where that's the state law. Russia does not need minorities. Minorities need Russia, and we will not grant them special privileges, or try to change our laws to fit their desires, no matter how loud they yell 'discrimination'. We better learn from the suicides of America, England, Holland and France, if we are to survive as a nation. The Russian customs and traditions are not compatible with the lack of culture or the primitive ways of most minorities. When this honorable legislative body thinks of creating new laws, it should have in mind the national interest first, observing that the minorities are not Russians.


The politicians in the Duma gave Putin a five minute standing ovation.


It is a sad day when a Communist makes more sense than the leaders of non-Communist countries (I.e. U.S.A., Canada, etc.), but here it is!!!!

 

[whoDEANie]

Dental Hygienist: Something to do until you get knocked up.

 

[Clode]

Whats the best thing about twenty-five year olds ?












There is twenty of them !!!!

 

[green-horn]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[green-horn]

Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am
coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming
to live with you.

 

[green-horn]

Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives
would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and
laughed and laughed!

 

[green-horn]

The word "Service"
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now just as enlightened as I am.