Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks​

Called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.​

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency​

Open heart bypass surgery.​

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the​

Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard​

Loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to​

Pay for his treatment.​

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.​

​

​

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."​

​

​

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"​

​

​

He replied, "No money in the bank."​

​

​

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the​

​

​

Irritated nun.​

​

​

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."​

​

​

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!​

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​

Nuns are married to God."​

​

​

The patient replied :"Perfect - Please send the Bill to my brother-in-law"!!!!

 

[Bnorth]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman says "Hell no, you sick bastard.....get away from me!"

The bum turns to leave and mutters, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the
bottom."

 

[Bnorth]

he best line I've heard lately was from a shop foreman at the Maple Leaf Packing Plant.

This young East Indian kid was being fired.
The kid said to the shop foreman: "This is bull****, you're firing me because I'm East Indian!"
The boss said, "No, get this straight, we hired you because you're East Indian"
"We're getting rid of you because you’re fawking useless!"

 

[Bnorth]

A Mexican, a Black, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.


"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece."


Pointing at the Black , he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."


The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa.."


Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said , "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!"



Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.


The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country, loaded with infidels, so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."



Poof! It was done! Ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck , the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off
The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Lite.

It doesn't get any better than this!"

 

[Bnorth]

It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a
colonoscopy
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.
His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
​

​

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer
.
​

​

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said,
"Look Doc", I'm a little confused
This is my first exam.
I know what the
K-Y
is for,
And I know what the
glove is for,
But can you tell me what the
BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn !!!
I said a
BUTT LIGHT!"​

​

 

[Bnorth]

He goes to confession after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine,
Guinness on tap, cigars and chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine
photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their
garments.
He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me….it's been a long time since I've been to
confession….and I must admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be."
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."

 

[Bnorth]

Mrs. Maynard has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was
treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.


A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology -



all we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[zeebs]

Not to be mean but perhaps you Canadians should reconsider your T-shirt designs!



Sent while using Tapatalk 2

 

[Bnorth]

Not to be mean but perhaps you Canadians should reconsider your T-shirt designs!

View attachment 156472

Sent while using Tapatalk 2

Why, he's just trolling for the right kind of girl.

 

[ferniesnow]

Why, he's just trolling for the right kind of girl.

Great comeback!

 

[whoDEANie]

A divorced couple is in court for a child custody battle. At one point the wife stands up in court and says, "I carried that child for nine months before he finally popped out and no one can tell me I don't deserve 100% custody!" When the husband had an opportunity to speak, he asked the court this question: "If you put a dollar in a vending machine and a chocolate bar comes out, who owns it - you or the vending machine?"

 

[whoDEANie]

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 30 million.

16 million are retired.

That leaves 14 million to do the work.

There are 8.5 million in school.

Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 1.5 million to do the work.

200,000 are in the armed forces

Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city
Governments.

And that leaves 140,000 to do the work.

At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.

Leaving 100,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.

 

[Bnorth]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

 

[Bnorth]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant.
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started

 

[Bnorth]

An old Canadian priest lay dying. He sent a message for Pamela Wallin and
> Mike Duffy to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up
> to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and
> motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
> The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at
> the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything, both Duffy and Wallin were
> touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during
> his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given
> any indication that he particularly liked either one of them… and for good
> reasons!
> Finally, Duffy asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come
> here?" The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly,
> "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

 

[DaveB]

An old Canadian priest lay dying. He sent a message for Mac Harb and
> Justin Trudeau to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up
> to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and
> motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
> The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at
> the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything, both Harb and Trudeau were
> touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during
> his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given
> any indication that he particularly liked either one of them… and for good
> reasons!
> Finally, Harb asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come
> here?" The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly,
> "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

I heard that one differently....

 

[Bnorth]

I heard that one differently....

Care to share?

 

[green-horn]

I shot my first turkey yesterday!
Scared everyone in the frozen food section.
It was awesome!

 

[green-horn]

You know your old when...

You pick up what looks like a really old penny, but find out it has your birthday on it!

 

[green-horn]

The Geezer Test

How many of these do you remember?

1. Cap Guns.
2. Home milk delivery in glass bottles.
3. TV test patterns early in the morning.
4. Curb finders for your car.
5. Stamp books and redemption centers.
6. Phone booths.
7. Aluminum ice cube trays with pull handles.
8. Bus tokens.
9. FREE road maps at service stations.
10 Doctors who made house calls.
11. Cigarette vending machines.
12. Flash Cubes.
13. Lincoln Logs.
14. F.W. Woolworth Company.