Required: Sense of humor

[polarice]

A blonde woman in Nova Scotia was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. We're off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday."Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her waist and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor took her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Newfoundland Ferry."

 

[CountryRider]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCe895fRny8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

[green-horn]

THIS IS FRIGHTENING - PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME STATISTICS IN RECENT YEARS!!




Twenty-five percent (25%) of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's terrifying - it means 75% are running around untreated!

 

[DaveB]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."


Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"


"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."


Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."


(this joke reminds me of Pecos for some reason. Hahaha)

 

[DaveB]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.


The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"


The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[DaveB]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"


"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.


And then they made love for the first time.


Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.


Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."


Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."


After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"


The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.


Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.


She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."


Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

[DaveB]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.


On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."


"What?" said the puzzled groom.


"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"


"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.


Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.


Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.


Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.


Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.


Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.


Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.


Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.


Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"


"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"


"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[DaveB]

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.


Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."


"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."


"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[DaveB]

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

[DaveB]

Dear Child,


I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.


We don't live where we did when you left home.


Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.


I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.


This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.


Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.


The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.


They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.


Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.


Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.


Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.


There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.


PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

[DaveB]

HUN!!!! (THOU!!!!)


101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.


2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."


3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."


4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."


5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.


6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <


7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.


8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.


9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".


10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.


11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.


12. Sniffle incessantly.


13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.


14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."


16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."


17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."


18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".


19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."


20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.


21. Practice making fax and modem noises.


22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.


23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.


24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.


25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."


26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."


27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.


28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.


29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.


30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.


32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.


33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."


34. Drum on every available surface.


35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.


36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.


37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.


38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.


39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.


40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.


41. Set alarms for random times.


42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.


43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.


44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.


45. Honk and wave to strangers.


46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.


47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.


48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.


49. Wear your pants backwards.


50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.


51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"


52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.


53. only type in lowercase.


54. dont use any punctuation either


55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.


56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.


57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.


58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.


59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.


60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.


61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."


62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.


63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.


64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.


65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."


66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.


67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.


68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."


69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.


70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.


71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.


72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.


73. Drive half a block.


74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.


75. Ask people what gender they are.


76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.


77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.


78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".


79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.


80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.


81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.


82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.


83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."


84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.


85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.


86. Wear a LOT of cologne.


87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."


88. Sing along at the opera.


89. Mow your lawn with scissors.


90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"


91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."


92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.


93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."


94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."


95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.


96. Never make eye contact.


97. Never break eye contact.


98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.


99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.


100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.


101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

 

[CountryRider]

Since childhood, Paddy had heard the stories of an amazing family tradition where his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday! On that special day, they’d each crossed the lake to the pub on the
far side by walking on the water for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took
a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat…splash !!!
…and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
‘Grandma,’ he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross
the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled brown eyes and said:
“Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all
born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August,
ya foookin idiot!”

 

[zeebs]

Sent while using Tapatalk 2

 

[green-horn]

----- Twenty Dollars

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage ...and pulled out a
crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile and seductively reached into her
panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.

 

[green-horn]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel sh!t
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no sh*t Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse
THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada ....
They're happy in England ...
They're happy in France .....
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany .....
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA .....
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ....
They're happy in Denmark .

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?

 

[green-horn]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate
My 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says
'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink,he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 

[green-horn]

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'

 

[green-horn]

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ....
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

 

[green-horn]

 

[green-horn]

ASKHOLE

Definition: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them