Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH!!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! Wehad the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little @#$%&!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!




13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!




And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!




See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

 

[DaveB]

^^^^^^Funny...but sad and true.

 

[RMK Rider]

Hilarious the wife and I have tears running down our face can't wait till the kids get home

 

[sledhead_2002]

[TD="class: alt1]I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, afteranother beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answerto that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
[/TD]

 

[ferniesnow]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, afteranother beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answerto that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Very hard to read with that blackish back ground.......did Bogger break something again????

 

[kbrunlees]

ok , good someone else noticed, thought it was me!

 

[snochuk]

Twin sisters in aNewfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of thelocal newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of thetwo 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS, 'SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.'" So they wiggled up close toeach other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said thephotographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNAFOCUS! "

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OFUS????"

 

[RZR101]

And we thought texting and driving was bad.

 

[RZR101]

Subject: Wife's affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's aftermidnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your Bulls season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

[Summiteer]

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH!!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! Wehad the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little @#$%&!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!




13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!




And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!




See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

It's funny because it's true......

 

[Bnorth]

It seems that once again, all the white folks may have missed a great opportunity.

While all the Native people attended Idle No More rallies and parades, we could have broken into their homes and gotten all our chit back.

Lord I apologize.

 

[Bnorth]

G'day ........ Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet...now her vagina has completely closed up!!!"

"Bummer mate"

"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"

 

[Bnorth]

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit
my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked – You're
supposed to turn your clock back".

 

[Bnorth]

was in Scottsdale, Arizona last week and I spotted a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Surrey, B.C." So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

 

[Bnorth]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.
To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are
obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school
and go get dinner."

 

[Bnorth]

Big Eagle applied for a fork lift operator job at a firm based in Prince
> Albert. A white man applied for the same job and since both applicants had
> similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and were led to a
> quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
> When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
> The manager went to Big Eagle and said, "Thank you for coming to the
> interview, but we’ve decided to give the white guy the job."
> Big Eagle , "What 'cho mean, why you doin that, you are racist? We both got
> 19 questions right? This is Prince Albert and I 'm first nations, I should
> get the job."
> Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the
> question you got wrong."
> Big Eagle said, "Tell me how would one wrong answer be better than another?"
> Manager, "Simple, On question number 7 the white guy wrote down, 'I don’t
> know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’."

 

[Bnorth]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
> She tells the man, "You have the right to remain silent.
> Anything you say, can and will be held against you."
>
> The drunk says:
>
> "Tits."

 

[Bnorth]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, 'I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.'
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years...

 

[Bnorth]

This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if
military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities
will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store
managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers customer service reps.

It's getting ugly folks.

 

[Bnorth]

The $50 Lesson
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my
neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their
dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she
wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both of her parents were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you
would do?"
She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until
you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull
weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over
to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can
give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to Canada ."
Her parents aren't speaking to me.