Required: Sense of humor

[Summitric]

TOP TEN REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN:












And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women...








#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun.

 

[~Rowdy~]

 

[~Rowdy~]

Ok...wtf!

 

[Summiteer]

 

[kbrunlees]

Really, well that is just dandy then

 

[snochuk]

How Yodeling Started
Have you ever wondered where and howyodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of
Switzerland.


Nightfallwas rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is
that man going into the barn?"

"Thatfellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

Thedaughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned.Her clothing disheveled
and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

Thefarmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
Barn,! and she too did not return for an hour.

Her clothing was askew,
Her blouse buttoned incorrectly.
She also headed straight to bed.

Thenext morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned thatthe visitor was gone, she
broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye,"she
cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?"shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'mgoing to get you! You had sex with
my daughter!"

Theman looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next
to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

[winterax]

Hitler and his oil burning Honda

Hitler's 2009 Fireblade burns oil... - YouTube

 

[Summitric]

Maxine's annual physical


After the eighty-three year old
lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,


"You are in fine shape for your age,
Maxine, but tell me, do you still have
intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have
to ask my husband," she said.


She stepped out into the crowded reception room and
yelled out loud: "Henry, do we still have intercourse ? ?"



And
there was a hush...
You could hear a pin drop.


He answered impatiently,
"If I told you once , Maxine,
I told you a hundred times ...
What we have is... Blue Cross !!

 

[somethingnuw]

Hitler Wants a Harley for Sturgis - YouTube


An old one... but if you haven't seen Hitler Wants a Harley for Sturgis... its well worth it

 

[green-horn]

Norman and Barry got married in California...

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they went back to

Norman 's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Little Johnny, Norman 's little brother,

Gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if

Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.

Little Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,

'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'


He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the

Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.'

 

[green-horn]

Definition of Dilemma



One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”

He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example
to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed
with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man
on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?

 

[green-horn]

MY JOB

Someone once asked me, what is your job?"

I replied, "I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by
that?"

Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my @##!!ing advice,
she'll ask me for it.

 

[green-horn]

IRISH SKY DIVER
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.
When I got to the door of the plane which was over 35,000 ft in the air-- I just couldn't jump; so the 6ft 10 inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' "
Mick asks: "Did you jump?"
Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."

 

[lloydguy]

 

[lloydguy]

 

[green-horn]

"G'day mate, Fosters helpline. What's the problem dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a
hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed up."

"Bummer dude."

"I will. Thanks mate, bye."

 

[green-horn]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry lard arse, you're bound to lose it eventually '

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

 

[green-horn]

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

[winterax]

A British engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. Its doing well. He say's prophets are going through the roof.

 

[eclipse1966]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' 

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.