Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"

" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded. "Your name came up 7 times."

 

[green-horn]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes
home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance
money!"


She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"


Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

 

[green-horn]

The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil.
Then we made passionate love. I made her scream,
non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil,
And then we made passionate love. I made her scream
for fifteen minutes straight."

The Ukrainian fellow said: "That's nothing!!! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter.
I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love. I made her scream
for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked,
"Two hours?
Phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for
two hours?"

Scroll down:















The Ukrainan: "I wiped my hands on the curtains!"

 

[green-horn]

Even if you're young and hip, this is still interesting …
Us older people need to learn something new every day. Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting history.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery.

if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot.

They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings. Could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery. In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; “holding a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring!!!

 

[somethingnuw]

The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada is proud of the fact that "It is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!"

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson.

 

[green-horn]

God Made The World....

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Alberta , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Alberta are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, dependable, and producers of products to feed the world."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's Quebec ."......

 

[green-horn]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of
Novocain.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said..

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects..

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on,
suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to
hold on to when I pull your tooth

 

[whoDEANie]

A recent study conducted by the Kiev University found that the average
Ukrainian walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study conducted by the Ukrainian Medical Association found Ukrainian
men, on average drink about 22 gallons of alcohol per year.

This means, on average Ukrainians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

 

[Summitric]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I
replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in
bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.


I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes!"
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
sober since."
"Wow!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"


And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the shop, the boat, making wine. Always something more important
to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck and proceeded
to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability too."

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."


I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"


So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
And then the fight started....

 

[green-horn]

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that damn door!

Did I send this to you already?

 

[green-horn]

Stupid question, excellent answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned,
the interview was over.


God I would pay money to have seen her face…

 

[tripster]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby , Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

...................................................................................................


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember… over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

​

​

​

 

[Bnorth]

Now that the province of Ontario has an openly gay female Liberal Premier.. We'll have to learn a new term known as 'Lesbionics'....and many more What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? A licker cabinet What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Ontario provincial government workers? 100 people that don't do dick.

 

[Bnorth]

Two Indians are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of
> Lac La Biche Alberta.
>
> One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back
> into town.
>
> A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Indians ask him
> for a ride.
>
> He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with
> 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
>
> They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the
> driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.
>
> Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up.
>
> Sure enough a blonde Alberta Sheriff pulls him over for speeding.
>
> The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver
> jokingly replies "Indian eggs."
>
> The Blonde Lady Sheriff obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a
> look
> in the trailer.
>
> She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it.
>
> She calls for immediate backup from headquarters and all highway
> patrols in the area.
>
> The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many
> officers.
>
> "I stopped a Tractor-Trailer with 20,000 Indian eggs in it... two have
> hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."

 

[Bnorth]

Yossel worked in a Ukrainian pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it,

And he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

 

[Bnorth]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.


Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.


A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

 

[Bnorth]

A 10-year-old boy walked up to a house of ill repute dragging a flattened
> frog on a string behind him. When the Madam answered his knock, he said, "I
> want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money." The Madam
> invited him inside and told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He said,
> "I heard a man talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
> So that's the girl I want!"
>
>
>
>
> The Madam, who was accustomed to strange requests from customers, told the
> little boy to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall,
> dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
> dragging the frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door. The Madam stopped
> him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease?"
>
>
> "If you must know," he said, "tonight when I get home, my parents are going
> out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After
> they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to
> be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.
> When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way,
> he'll jump her bones and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home
> from the babysitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex and Mom will
> catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
> milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease. And he's the
> son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog.

 

[Bnorth]

Great News for YOU during these


financially challenging times!








I found a prostitute who charges by the inch.


Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought


you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.








You're welcome.

 

[Bnorth]

If female, and reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if male, then feel proud after reading it!




One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.


When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"


The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.


The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.


The woodcutter replied, "No."


The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.


Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."


The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.


The woodcutter replied, "Yes."


The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.


Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"


"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"


The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.


"Yes," cried the woodcutter.


The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"


The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."


The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

 

[~Rowdy~]