Required: Sense of humor

[Cyle]

ETA till this is edited?

 

[Polarblu]

ETA till this is edited?

T minus 15 seconds!!

 

[eclipse1966]

T minus 15 seconds!!

T minus 10 seconds

 

[shan]

awww shucks! I don't have the powers to edit in here

 

[zeebs]

Damn, Just trying to put some life back into this site! I felt it fading quickly!

 

[underdog]

PM me the joke buddy. I wanna read it!

And No I am not racist. My tv shows black AND white!

 

[my mod]

5,000 men surveyed were asked:
Why they like blowjobs?
1 % liked the warmth
2 % liked the sensation.
3 % liked the eroticism.
94 % just liked the peace and quiet

 

[polaris011]

hahahahahah thats funny right there lol

 

[my mod]

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those pills that "help" get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills ! I’m still looking for a place to live…

 

[my mod]

>A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up
>parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things
>started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more
>minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get into the
>back seat?"
>
>"NO!" she answered.
>
>Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
>
>Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are
>getting really hot, so he asks again.
>
>"Do you want to get into the back seat?"
>
>"NO!" she answers again.
>
>Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his
>pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
>
>"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.
>
>"NO!" she answers yet again.
>
>Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"
>
>"Because I want to stay up here with you!" >>
>

 

[eclipse1966]

Canadian Jokes JOKE # 1 After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents' decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender brings him one. The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He receives one. The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents' look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?' The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.' CANADIAN JOKE #2 A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?' 'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob. 'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.' CANADIAN JOKE #3 An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, 'Is there anything you are able to do to me that would change me into a Newfie?' 'Sure, it's easy,' replied the neurosurgeon. 'All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.' He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3's of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited patiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, 'I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3's of your brain.' The patient replied, 'Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?' (I'm now a queerbecor) CANADIAN JOKE #4 Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ?< BR> The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. CANADIAN JOKE #5 In Canada, we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling. CANADIAN JOKE #6 One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, !!!' Rumor has it that the Canadian was of Scottish descent. CANADIAN JOKE #7 A Queerbecor, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. 'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge. 'Toilette pepper!' yelled the Queerbecor. Send these on to all of your friend's to give them all a good laugh...EH?!​ ​

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[my mod]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said. 'Very good!' Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'. 'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...' Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,' 'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded. Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?' Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ch!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ch!t, We're screwed!' Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Vancouver Canucks 2011.'

 

[PINKalicious]

my Gfriend JB sent this to me i had to share it! it is priceless!

 

[my mod]

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another baby".
You never hear a guy say " It would be nice tohave another kick in the nuts".
Now, what do you think is more painfull?

 

[my mod]

Don’t let this happen to you… My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?" I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped." "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course, what is it?" Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you."

 

[eclipse1966]

THE ELDERLY: An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' I love this one! Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember… Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries..' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse..' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..' Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' And One more. . ..! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.

 

[~Rowdy~]

Canadian Underwear.

 

[eclipse1966]

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing

welfare.

I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the

system, getting something for nothing."



The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We

just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his beautiful daughter."



He continued: "You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL,

and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the

assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's

and has a rather strong sex drive."





The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

[my mod]

The Back Pew A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the Congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a Rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation Decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding Salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Pastor's' additional children were costing the church, and how much more It could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, And finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." The entire congregation said, "Amen. Gotta love those senior citizens!

 

[polarice]

The UPS Guy

One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, “How do you play "WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The UPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”

”Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responded. “Your name came up seven times.......”