Required: Sense of humor

[fhe]

Two Trees and A Woodpecker:




Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

 

[Bogger]

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."
...
The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister - then who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

 

[green-horn]

A young lady from from the Canada was traveling north to Canadian Customs. She had lost her wallet and all of her identification.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the Customs officer.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the buxom Canadian girl.

"Sure I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the Customs officer.

"But I can prove I'm Canadian she exclaimed. "I have a picture of Jack Layton tattooed on one side of my ass and Steven Harper on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the girl dropped her pants and showed the agent her behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the Customs officer. "Have a safe trip back to Ottawa ."

"Thanks!" she said. "But how did you know I was from Ottawa ?"

The Custom officer replied, "I recognized Micheal Ignatieff in the middle."

 

[green-horn]

I went into the gas station today and
asked for $5 worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

 

[green-horn]

Urgent: Breaking news from Libya



و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما
سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما




I’ll let you know if I hear anything else…

 

[green-horn]

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,



but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.


2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.


5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.


6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician,

but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.


8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.


9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT

AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

[green-horn]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.".........

 

[green-horn]

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

Two old Jewish men, Fred and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Fred asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico ?'




Al replies, 'I don't know, let' s ask our waiter.' When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?'




The waiter says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.'




He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'




Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'




The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I check once again, senor!'and goes back into the kitchen While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico .. Our people are scattered everywhere.'




The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.'




'Are you certain?' Al asks again.. 'I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!'




'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter, 'All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.

 

[Phyer Phyter]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. *This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). *If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! *This virus
will wipe out your private life entirely. *If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. *If you do not have five friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. *
*

*
*

 

[green-horn]

A blonde goes into a Tim Horton's and notices there's
a 'roll up the rim' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she unfolds it and starts screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is car .?'
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!'
And she hands the cup to the
manager and HE reads...




'W I N A B A G E L'

 

[green-horn]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle,
She was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had s Ex.


"Tarzan not know s Ex," he replied.


Jane explained to him what s Ex was.


Tarzan said, "Oh ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."


She took off her clothing, and lay down on the ground.


"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually, she managed to gasp for air, and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

 

[green-horn]

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an
alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods
of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more
humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would
then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be
controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and
Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest
Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up,
tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those coyotes ain't :dbuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!

 

[lbartels]

what did the cat say who was walking besides the tracks when the train went by and ran over his tail? . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. . . .

well, it won't be long now!

 

[my mod]

Subject: Cannibal


A cannibal was walking through the jungle

And came upon a restaurant operated by a

Fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

Tourist: $8.00
Broiled Missionary:$10.00

Fried Explorer: $12.50

Backed Liberal or NDP politician: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"


The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of ch!t, it takes all morning."

 

[heavy d]

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5aCG0[/media]

 

[Aud]

Retirement in Northern Manitoba

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys a quarter section in Northern Manitoba as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge bearded man is standing there.

“Name's Ernest, I’m your neighbour from forty miles up the road, having a Christmas Party Friday night. Thought you might like to come by around eight...”

“Great!” says Tom. “After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you”.

As Ernest is leaving, he stops and turns around, “Gotta warn you – gonna be some heavy drinking”.

“Not a problem” says Tom. “I can drink with the best of 'em”.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops, “'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin’ too”.

“Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ...I'll be there, thanks again”.

“'More 'n likely be some wild sex too”.

“Now that's really not a problem”, says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months so I'll definitely be there – just need to decide what to wear”.

Ernest smiled and started out the door, “'Don't much matter - just gonna be the two of us”.

 

[Aud]

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

 

[country_shorty88]

What happens when men bake cookies??


My heart shaped cookie cutter will never look the same.

 

[what_next]