Required: Sense of humor

[what_next]

Whats the difference between a woman on her PMS and a terrorist??










you can negotiate with the terorist

 

[what_next]

TV GUIDE:
Like a homosexual with amnesia... it comes out every week

 

[Phyer Phyter]

Vegetarian: Native word for lousy hunter.

 

[Aud]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will

Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.




If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other

Members of the family and social circle have been

Known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial

Wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for

The dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

Around the fresh grave and sing:







"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

[Aud]

A teacher's story about
Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and theRottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.


'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fawk-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[Aud]

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replies. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen".
"What's your name" she said.
He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

[Summitric]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'

 

[goodngrubby]

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely, 1985



Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Come on now.

Sincerely, Anonymous.



Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, let's Yahoo it!" Just sayin'...

Sincerely, Google



Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids:

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, Black people



Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada



Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic



Dear Nickleback,

That's enough.

Sincerely, The World



Dear Scissors,

I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.

Sincerely, Sarah Palin



Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.

Sincerely, Joseph



Dear Osama Bin Laden,

Marco....

Sincerely, United States



Dear Nazis,

You did what?!?!?! I said I hate JUICE!!

Sincerely, Adolph Hitler



Dear World of Warcraft,

Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.

Sincerly, Parents Everywhere



Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies



Dear Americans,

I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits.

Sincerely, Canadians



Dear Global Warming,

You're the best imaginary friend ever!

Sincerely, Al Gore



Dear Santa,

How did you get away with the kids sitting on your lap trick?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson



Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely, Alcohol



Dear Mr. Gump

WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTELY what you're gonna get....

Sincerely, Jenny



Dear Haiti,

Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?

Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell



Dear Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio



Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely, The Mayans



Dear Snooki,

GET BACK TO WORK!

Sincerely, Willy Wonka



Dear White People,

Don't you just hate immigrants?

Sincerely, Native Americans



Dear Twihards,

If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours.

Sincerely, Gay Men Of America



Dear iPhone,

Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.

Sincerely, Every iPhone User



Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely, Elephant



Dear Dr. Phil,

Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.

Sincerely, Dr. Pepper

 

[what_next]

Like Martin Luther King... I also had a dream.

Unlike Martin Luther King.... Mine came true

 

[Phyer Phyter]

Women and Computers have a lot in common...

• You have to punch information into both of them
• They can be a real pain
• They sometimes just dont make sense
• They are only as good as their operator
• You dont appreciate either one until they've gone down on you
• No matter how hard ya try, they just wont do what you tell them

Feel free to add your own...

 

[JaySimon]

Women and Computers have a lot in common...

• You have to punch information into both of them
• They can be a real pain
• They sometimes just dont make sense
• They are only as good as their operator
• You dont appreciate either one until they've gone down on you
• No matter how hard ya try, they just wont do what you tell them

Feel free to add your own...

They become obsolete in three years?

 

[Phyer Phyter]

When a man opens a car door for a woman.... Either the car or the woman is new...

 

[eclipse1966]

Subject:Labor Unions...

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this March from 72 to 54. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers'
concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.�

They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the United States, North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim Jihadist's now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

 

[modmanmike]

Our neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to
the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was in the dog's ears. He cleaned both
ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this
from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you are using it on your legs, don't shave for
a couple days."
The lady replied, "I am not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I am using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[modmanmike]

This is what happens when you pass the buck!!!!!!!

Baby Airplanes:

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned to his

mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant the

same question.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,

"Did your mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because WestJet always pulls out on time.. Have your mom explain that to you.''

 

[Bnorth]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[Bnorth]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.



Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.



"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.


"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the
man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[Bnorth]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.


Inside, he finds couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.


While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed


The convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,


Then gets up & goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:


'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!


He's probably spent a lot of time in jail


And hasn't seen a woman in years.


I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,


Don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.


Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.


This guy is obviously very dangerous.


If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.


Be strong, honey. I love you!'



His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.


He was whispering in my ear.


He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,


And asked if we had any Vaseline.


I told him it was in the bathroom.



Be strong honey. I love you too.'

 

[Bnorth]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes - $50.00.


A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.' One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:



Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .............$50

 

[Bnorth]

During a round of golf, John hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden? POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After John recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend Mac ,' where are you?'

Mac yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

John shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Mac !' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING