Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought
it might be useful to tell you about a cheap,
Effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.
Simply follow these easy instructions:




OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBOCKER MICROWAVE POPCORN


JUST LEAVE ON YOUR TABLE; IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU'RE FAWKED!

 

[heavy d]

Chuck Norris got in a knife fight............................the knife lost

 

[what_next]

Chuck Norris got in a knife fight............................the knife lost

Chuck Norris once had this bright idea to sell his urine as a beverage.

We now know this beverage as Redbull

 

[modmanmike]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!

 

[my mod]

Two Newfies were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
>
>
>
> Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I wins da lottery…'
>
>
>
> “What's dat den?”asks Mikey.
>
>
>
> “Send me lawn away to be cut”…

 

[green-horn]

Haven't heard it put this way before, but it's a great analogy.


I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.


But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.


Then came the ch!t... it was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...

everywhere!



Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.


And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.



After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.


Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.




Now let's see..... our government gives out free food,
subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.


Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.


Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press
one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than our flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.


Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

 

[green-horn]

A foursome of guys were waiting at the men's tee, while a
foursome of women were hitting from the ladies' tee. The
ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it
10 feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely. She then hacks it
another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically, "I guess all those SUCKING lessons I took
over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds..
"Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf
lessons instead!"

He never had a chance to duck!!!

 

[green-horn]

I am so pissed off at these @ssholes in Ottawa - another election - about what? $400 million or more for another election because the budget today wasn't to their satisfaction. Jack Layton wants everyone to pay thousands more in taxes so we can all live happily everafter - the same. It didn't bother Jack Layton and his wife to live in susidized housing while he was making $100,000's in wages between him and his wife but he is for the poor guy. What a bunch of ch!t.

Then we have that spineless Ignatieff who couldn't be bothered to live in Canada for 35 years who now thinks he should be our PM. He was a professor in history for crying out loud and has never had another job. He comes from Russian royalty, vacations in France, dumped his wife and kids for that dog he is now married to and has the nerve to say our flag looks like a beer label and when he lived in the USA - he called himself an American. This is who the Liberals think should be our PM.

 

[green-horn]

INSTALLING SPRING...

███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.


Install delayed....please wait.

Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found.
Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might
have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.
Please try again.

 

[green-horn]

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth..
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
Once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed...

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.




Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)















M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

 

[green-horn]

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...


I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.



I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.


I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.


I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -

they are more screwed up than you think.



I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.


I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.


I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.


I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it


I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

 

[green-horn]

This about says it all...
Whether
Conservative, Liberal
or
NDP,
I think
you'll get
a kick out of
this!


A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care
of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the WorkingClass.

And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep..

Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep ch!t..'

 

[Phyer Phyter]

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

 

[my mod]

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl.

Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital

Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful,


So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relieved.


On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.


NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

 

[my mod]

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater..

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

 

[my mod]

THE THREE LITTLE BEARS

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FriCKING PORRIDGE YET !

 

[Trashy]

An oldie, but a goodie.............

Baptizing A Drunk Edmontonian


A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk i n the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'</ B>

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,


'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

 

[green-horn]

Makes you think





In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

That's right, they didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she's right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the province of Alberta. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But that older lady is right. They didn't have the GREEN thing back in her day!

 

[green-horn]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch

together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"

Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your @ss?"
The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."

Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?"

Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your @ss?"

Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little."

Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."



A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"

The boy asks, "Can your pecker touch your @ss?"

Laughing, Gramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my @ss."

The little boy replies, "Then go puck yourself. Grandma made these for me."

 

[green-horn]

Stewardesses"
is the longest word typed with only the left hand
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And "lollipop"
is the longest word typed with your right hand.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet.


= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The words 'racecar,'
'kayak' , and 'level'
are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

= = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A snail can sleep for three years.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
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Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The cruise liner, QE 2

moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

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There are more chickens than people in the world.
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Winston Churchill

was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
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Bonus!! All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!!