Required: Sense of humor

[RETODD]

Chatroulette gone bad...too funny check out the expressions!!!

[media]http://louxis.com/videos/peacock/peacock2.swf[/media]

 

[RETODD]

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your
husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it
until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh
and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and
swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does fawk all…it's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick...."


:d:d

 

[RETODD]

Texting:
For Seniors...


ATD:
At The Doctor's


BFF:
Best Friend Farted


BTW:
Bring The Wheelchair


BYOT:
Bring Your Own Teeth


CBM:
Covered By Medicare


CGU:
Can't get up


CGIU:
Can't get IT up


CUATSC:
See You At The Senior Center


DWI:
Driving While Incontinent


FWBB:
Friend With Beta Blockers


FWIW:
Forgot Where I Was


FYI:
Found Your Insulin


GGPBL:
Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!


GHA:
Got Heartburn Again


HGBM:
Had Good Bowel Movement


IMHO:
Is My Hearing-Aid On?


LMDO:
Laughing My Dentures Out


LOL:
Living On Lipitor


LWO:
Lawrence Welk's On


OMMR:
On My Massage Recliner


OMSG:
Oh My! Sorry, Gas.


PIMP:
Pooped in my pants


ROFL&CGU:
Rolling On The Floor Laughing...
& Can't Get Up


SGGP:
Sorry, Gotta Go Poop


TTYL:
Talk To You Louder


WAITT:
Who Am I Talking To?


WTFA:
Wet The Furniture Again


WTP:
Where's The Prunes?


WWNO:
Walker Wheels Need Oil


GGLKI:
(Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

 

[whitegold]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

[heavy d]

Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its farking hilarious.

 

[whitegold]

This is probably the wrong site to post this.... but I still thought it was pretty funny....


You know someone has had enough of winter when you see this...

 

[arff]

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'.

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer, and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time, she said, "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually".

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes - "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

 

[whitegold]

Male Date-Drug
(be sure to watch the short video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them


A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.


For a video to see how Beer works click here:

 

[whitegold]

Aircraft Quiz

This should be an easy quiz to answer for those of you who have an interest and knowledge of aircraft.

You may enjoy this quiz, even if you don’t know a lot about aircraft. The answer may surprise you.



What is the biggest advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?



Ya..... I got it wrong too.....

 

[Summitric]

Politically incorrect


I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo
sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man
sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."
I told him, "I wish I had your f**king will power."

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in
the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping
with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry
about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it
eventually.'



I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair
of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like
that!"

I have a new pick up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner
and always end up
in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask
your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.'
But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best.



I took my Biology exam last Friday. I
was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently
Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers.

 

[RETODD]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice
of toast and maybe some grapefruit andcoffee?'??

He declines.. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'??

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'would you
like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'??

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....
I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!

 

[Mud Mum]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labradorand said, So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"

Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here? "

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 

[john s]

Politically incorrect


I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo
sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer. A homeless man
sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."
I told him, "I wish I had your f**king will power."

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in
the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping
with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.


A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said, 'sorry
about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it
eventually.'



I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair
of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like
that!"

I have a new pick up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner
and always end up
in bed with them. Here's how it goes, "Excuse me love, could I ask
your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.'
But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best.



I took my Biology exam last Friday. I
was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently
Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers.

You are a ledgend Summitric i cryed with laughter awsome:d

 

[RETODD]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.



The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...



"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.


Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...



"BRING POSSE"

 

[Crazy8]

NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Imagination or just plain crazy…..either way there funny……..

 

[whitegold]

Pants and Panties....

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!


She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !


Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

 

[whitegold]

Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content....


As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a
Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
Are losing some of your load!"



The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.



As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"



Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same
Thing happens again.



All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
Knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
Name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,.............



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and
I'm driving the Friggin’ SALT TRUCK.........."

 

[whitegold]

This is what happens when men bake cookies....

 

[talkinghamster]

what did cinderalla say when she got to the ball?











blaarrhghhllllha