Required: Sense of humor

[Wingwalker]

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place....

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied...








'You just happened to catch my eye...'

 

[arff]

Hated it when old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[btcowboy]

Just saying hi in case you're not, as I assume, out of my league | Flirting Ecard | someecards.com

 

[snochuk]

Three men - a Canadian farmer,

Osama bin Laden

and a Biker

are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish,
which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says,
'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye,
the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said,
'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine ,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high,
500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley,

cracks a beer,

lights a cigar,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

I pretty much vote this my favorite email joke of the year....

 

[Summitric]

The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[Summitric]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond since he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned. 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond, naked.'

Holding the bucket up, he said,
'I'M HERE TO FEED THE ALLIGATOR.'

Some older men can still think fast.

 

[Sofa king]

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."


B#tch.

 

[JayBec]

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." "Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

 

[Summitric]

In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

FAWK work.
Play golf.

 

[Summitric]

.
Lost In Translation

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.


Today's word is.................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.


There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars.


It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why
it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."

 

[RETODD]

If you thought 2 girls 1 cup was bad, wait till you see 5 goals 1 period...








:d

 

[whitegold]

began with an iPhone...
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn't

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when
she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

My Wife's birthday is in September, so for her I went all out and got her an iRon. You should have seen the look of surprise on her face!!!!





It was around then that the fight started . . . . . .

What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, . . . iCook and . . . iClean.
[This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.]

I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!!

 

[Wingwalker]

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You know you've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2010 Darwin awards.

8th Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long torch he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds
>From 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'S**t happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!

 

[shan]

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You know you've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2010 Darwin awards.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!

wonder if that is the foot that washed up on the West Coast

 

[woody_tobius_jr]

3rd place is Awsome! So out of 47 shots fired, the would be thief had 23 wounds...so that means there was 24 warning shots fired first

 

[crazy_wheeler]

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify. My dogs get their first checks on Friday.
Damn, this is a great country!

 

[RETODD]

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto , when one is attacked by a rabid Pit Bull.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto , I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Montreal Canadians fan." the child said.


The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet."

 

[rotormech]

whats the definition of relative humidity?






its the sweat that drips of your nuts when your fuc$%&# your cousin...

 

[Phyer Phyter]

10 Thoughts.


Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

*******

 

[Summitric]

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth when a young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?"

embarrassed, the young nurse replies,"i don't know, i'm only here to wash your hands and feet"

he struggles through the mask again to ask, nurse, are my testicles black?"

finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say's, "there's nothing wrong with them!"

finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies," that was very nice, but, are... My... Test...results...back