Required: Sense of humor

[Aud]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. Watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from ALBERTA...... They're still too wet to burn."

 

[Aud]

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the
same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback,
but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[youngpolarisguy]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading Canada ,


Albertans will no longer be referred to as'Rednecks.'​

You must now refer to them as
​

Rocky Mountain/Prairie Canadians.​

And furthermore​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED Canadian.'​

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is​

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'​

(Loved this one!)​

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a​

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'​

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a​

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'​

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes​

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'​

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a​

'LOW COST PROVIDER.'​

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:​

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a​

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'​

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is​

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'​

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He​

'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'​

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in​

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
​

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of​

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'​

​

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's​

'REAR CLEAVAGE.
​

 

[underdog]

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bodle of Baileys, a botle of wum, a pock of Prungles, 1/2 chesecke an a bocs a choclezt. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fel ar in ned ov innr piss!

 

[snochuk]

: I w...a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..I..e..d." These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w..a...S a..l..m..O..S..t m..a..R..R..I..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more." The answer comes, " Y..e..S, I w..e..n..t t..O a D..O...c..t..O..R a..n..d h..e t..O..l..d m..e T..h..a..t I..f I S..p..e..a..k S..l..O..w..l..y I W..I...l..l n..O..t S..t..U..t..t..e..R." The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l, m..y f..I..a..n..c..e..e a...n..d I W..e..R..e S..I..t..t..I..n..G O..n h..e..R P...O..R..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..O..G w..a..S S..c..R..a..t..c..h..I...n..G h..I..S B..a..c..k a..n..d I t..O..l..d h..e..R t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e A..R..e m..a..R..R..I..e..d, S..h..e c..O U l d D..O t..h..a..t f..O..R m..e a..n..d S..h..e T..h..R..e..w t..h..e R..I..n..G I..n m..y F..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l, I S..p..e..a..k S..O S..l..O..w..l..y, T..h..a..t B..y t..h..e t..I..m..e S..h..e L..O..O..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..O..G, h..e W..a..S l..I..c..k..I..n..G h..I..S B..a..l..l..S"

 

[snochuk]

THE SCOTTISH COW The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland" !

 

[snochuk]

STUD ROOSTER A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.'​ Moral of this story? ....​ Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery​ always overcome youth and arrogance! ​ ​

 

[snochuk]

STUD ROOSTER A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.'​ Moral of this story? ....​ Don't mess with theOLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery​ always overcome youth and arrogance! ​ ​

 

[snochuk]

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, " The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called " You Mecca Me Hot .." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs. " Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, " Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered. " All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...

 

[snochuk]

Headlines from the year 2030

- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the
second-largest countryin the world, New India, formerly known as Canada.
.....

- White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Canada's thirdlanguage...

- Children from 2-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools
for being'different'-- tolerance urged.

- Gay marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred
'lifestyle' choice...

- Calgary schoolgirl expelled for not wearing burqa -- being
Christian is noexcuse, says school: Sharia law must be enforced ...

- Japan announces it will no longer consume whale meat as whales
are now extinctand the scientific research fleet is unemployed.

- Canada now has 10 universities of political correctness. Professor
Goldman of ACLUsaysthere is still a long way to go in the fight to stop
people saying whatthey think...

- Canadian deficit $10 trillion and rising; Govt declares return to
surplus in 100 years-- 300 years ahead of schedule. PM Mohammed Yousuf
claims increasedgrowth through more immigration is the secret to success...

- Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild
Ebeneezer EpsteinDrescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to
celebrate launch...

- The Leafs have finally given up hockey and are now taken up
cricket and areimporting players from India and Pakistan complete with
families and friends.

- Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped...

- France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic
countries -- no nationsteps forward.

- Castro dies aged 104; Cuban cigars can now be imported to US
legally, butPresidentChelsea Clinton has banned smoking...

- Canada Post raises price of stamps to $18 and cuts deliveries to
Wednesdays only...& yes they will be paid standby for rest of week. They
are contemplating anotherstrike for more perks.

- Global cooling blamed for wheat crop failure for third consecutive
year in New India(Canada). They have been told that rice will not work
here. Squatters couldbe part of theproblem too?

- Supreme Court rules punishing criminals violates their civil
rights: victims toshare responsibility for crime...

- New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-upnewspapers be registered by January 2035 as lethal
weapons...

- Canadian Tax Office cuts tax rate to 85 per cent -- lowest in
decades...

 

[ferniesnow]

Humor - A Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard - A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

 

[my mod]

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan".

"This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family".

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood"?

"Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression".

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... Rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding".

"I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets".

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

 

[Flatlander_01]

 

[snochuk]

a farmer decided
he wanted to go to town
and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked,
"sir, what's thaton your shoulder?"


the old farmer said,
"that's my pet rooster chuck.
wherever i go, chuckgoes."

"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent
"we can't allow animals in the theater."

the old farmer went around the corner
and stuffed chuck downhis overalls.
then he returned to thebooth,
bought a ticket, andentered the theater.

He sat down next to
two old widows
named mildred and marge.


the movie started
and the rooster began tosquirm. . .
the old farmer
unbuttoned his fly so
chuck could stick hishead out
and watch the movie.

"marge," whispered mildred.

"what?" said marge.

"i think the guy next to me
is a pervert."

"what makes you think so?" asked marge?

"he undid his pants and
he has his thingout", whispered mildred.

"well, don't worry about it", said marge..
"at our age we'veseen 'em all"

"i thought so too", said mildred,
"but this one's
eatin' my popcorn...!"

 

[snochuk]

ThePolite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice younglady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to thebathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the wordbathroom
at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and showus
your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

 

[snochuk]

A dad buys a lie detector robotwhich slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son,where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slapsthe son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!" "What DVD?""Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again! "OK, it was aporno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know whatporn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He'scertainly your son." Robot slaps her!!!!!!

 

[whitegold]

You have to love British humor!
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER .
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer L100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, L200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.
Billy Connolly -
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
how come they can't have a headache and sex
at the same time?"

 

[whitegold]

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!


*She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.

*A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the local Bass Pro Shop.

*The pick-up truck driver is a local TEXAS taxidermist with a great sense of humor!

*Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway!

*And it is not a dog in the 1st Place ; it is a Coyote.

*Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?

 

[Popsiclestand]

It's a Sad Day when this thread becomes un-stickied.

 

[HotShotHarry]

Sad day indeed!