Required: Sense of humor

[SHIFTmx]

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight Fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic




Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!
Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle


Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack


Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people


Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely,
Joseph


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere




Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Americans,
I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits.
Sincerely,
Canadians


Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,

Al Gore


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells
you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny


Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely,
Justin Beiber

Dear Haiti ,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear Twihards,
If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours.
Sincerely,
Gay Men Of America


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

 

[whitegold]

Thought for the day....

 

[what_next]

 

[eclipse1966]

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay ... How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how can you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds’.

 

[fhe]

Standing next to a Gay guy at the urinals and noticed he had a patch on his p#n*s! Being the inquisitive guy that I am i asked: What's that thing on your p#n*s for? He looks at me and says: "I'm on the patch, down to two butts a day"

 

[Snow Angel]

Group of dudes decide to go out for the night. Before they leave for the bar, they decide they are going to pool a bunch of money together... And to win this money they have to bring home the ugliest chick they can find. Whoever sleeps with the ugliest chick, wins the money. The pot is sitting at a fair 200+ dollars.
The guys go out and split up in search of the most hideous woman they can find. Joe makes eye contact with a girl. She's definitely not ugly and one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. They start talking and hit it off perfectly. Joe buys her drinks all night and doesn't even care about the bet.
At one point Joe says to this blonde, "You are so beautiful I can't even believe it, I want to take you home tonight." Blonde says thanks and accepts the offer. Joe decides to be honest with her and told her about the bet. It doesn't phase the blonde one bit. She tells Joe, "Since you were honest with me, I have something to tell you... I have a hair piece." Joe stares at her and still can't even believe it. And tells her that her hair is so beautiful. The pair goes back to Joe's place and do their thing. They wake up in the morning and as they're cuddling, Joe tugs her hair a bit and says, "Wow I still can't believe your hair isn't real, it looks and feels as real as it gets. I'm impressed." The blonde is confusion asks him what he is talking about. Joe says, "Your hair piece. You told me last night you had a hair piece." The blonde looks at Joe and says, "No, last night I told you I had herpes..."

 

[Sofa king]

Two Newfoundlanders (Newfies), Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favourite bar drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic? ' Doug says, 'What's that?'

Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a fag.'

 

[derek.53]

There once was a lady from France
Who got on a train by chance
Everyone fuk-der, except the conductor
He got off in his pants

 

[whitegold]

Employee Notice






Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ch!t (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of ch!t they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ch!t, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the ch!t you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

 

[my mod]

Advice to an Old Guy...



An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.



He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"



The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I’d try the ATM in the lobby"

 

[whitegold]

Advice to an Old Guy...



An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.



He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"



The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I’d try the ATM in the lobby"

HAHAHA..... isn't that just brutal honesty!!!!

 

[my mod]

An elderly couple, both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over and whispered: "Is that one word or two?"

 

[my mod]

Hi,

I would just like to share an experience with you and it has to do with drinking and driving.

On Saturday night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too many rum and cokes .


Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.



I arrived home safely and without incident which came as quite a surprise, since I had never driven a bus before.

 

[kbrunlees]

Hi,

I would just like to share an experience with you and it has to do with drinking and driving.

On Saturday night I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had way too many rum and cokes .


Knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.



I arrived home safely and without incident which came as quite a surprise, since I had never driven a bus before.

You're really bad

 

[Summitric]

Guard dog with Chinese name.



Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch below!




To good home--excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt

 

[Phyer Phyter]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, ...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the time
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 

[Summiteer]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, ...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the time
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

My next career was as an electrician. I was shocked when they fired me.

I then tried the lifeguard gig but found that I was in over my head.

I moved on to a tea plantation but the learning curve was too steep.

 

[my mod]

Why I Am now Divorced


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me...'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....




On the couch....


Naked.

 

[whitegold]

Fireman's Revenge....

This is one of the best photos I've seen in years!
I bet the driver won't think he is above the law next time...
I've got one thing to say to the Firefighter who did this...
That's' the attitude I want if my house is on fire!!!

 

[whitegold]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant
that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,
depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.