Required: Sense of humor

[SHIFTmx]

SMART ASS

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

 

[JaySimon]

Pa Sleeps Naked...

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

'It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

'You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote.The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.

Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his
shot gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

'Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!'

'He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.'

'As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!'

'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin.'

 

[what_next]

Smokin'

[video]http://www.killsometime.com/videos/7514/Smoking-Girl-Owned[/video]

 

[eclipse1966]

when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US -- this comes along... Black hurricanes.... Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up! She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report. I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand. I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says... Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE ch!t.

​

 

[RETODD]

NOTES FROM THE EDGE OF LIFE

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b!tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece
of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

 

[JaySimon]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."​

 

[eclipse1966]

Three southern women were sitting around the table having a few drinks and having a good time when one women suggests they play a game. The southern gal explained that each woman needs to describe their husbands as a soft drink during sex. So the first one thinks about it and says her husband is like 7/UP. The other two exclaimed 7/UP how is that?? Well she said it is 7 inches long and always up. Second lady is thinking hard to come up with one and finally does. My husband is like Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew the other two exclaimed how is that? Well during sex he mounts me and he dooooooooos me! They all laugh. It is the third ladies turn but she is having a difficult time. Finally she says ok got one! My husband is like Jack Daniels! JACK DANIELS the other two exclaimed. That is not a soft drink that is a hard liquor and the her reply was.............. like I said he is a harrrrrrrrrd licker!!!!

 

[JaySimon]

A dedicated WEAC union worker was attending a convention in Madison and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No,'"she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,'"she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"

 

[JaySimon]

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them." The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them." They were silent for a moment. Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog?!! Now that's cool!"

 

[my mod]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday ....minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me.
The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
So, today...bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.

 

[green-horn]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked.


'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

 

[green-horn]

I haven't checked to see if this actually works or not . . .
But they say,

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,

You should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

 

[green-horn]

The Cork


Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his a$$.

If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my a$$."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Captain Canada , the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No sheit?"

 

[green-horn]

The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

[green-horn]

A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin.

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,

"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile,
so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of
the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky
water, a shotgun in her hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 meter croc swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy
banks of the river.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. - Rolling her eyes heavenward and

screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.......

" SHeIT! SHeIT! SHeIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

 

[green-horn]

a farmer decided
he wanted to go to town
and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked,
"sir, what's thaton your shoulder?"


the old farmer said,
"that's my pet rooster chuck.
wherever i go, chuckgoes."

"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent
"we can't allow animals in the theater."

the old farmer went around the corner
and stuffed chuck downhis overalls.
then he returned to thebooth,
bought a ticket, andentered the theater.

He sat down next to
two old widows
named mildred and marge.


the movie started
and the rooster began tosquirm. . .
the old farmer
unbuttoned his fly so
chuck could stick hishead out
and watch the movie.

"marge," whispered mildred.

"what?" said marge.

"i think the guy next to me
is a pervert."

"what makes you think so?" asked marge?

"he undid his pants and
he has his thingout", whispered mildred.

"well, don't worry about it", said marge..
"at our age we'veseen 'em all"

"i thought so too", said mildred,
"but this one's
eatin' my popcorn...!"

 

[green-horn]

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
"Why all the clocks"?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
...'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, she never told a lie.'
'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man.
Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.....

 

[JaySimon]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thought you'd like to know.

 

[my mod]

Let’s test the way you think:

thepenisinhermouth.








Did you read ‘the pen is in her mouth?

Nah, me neither.​

 

[my mod]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ch!t out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'