Required: Sense of humor

[sledhead_2002]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up...
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

 

[sledhead_2002]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked him,"Are all of those kids yours ?

He replied, " No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "










HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!!

I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling 13..13...13..13...13..

The fence was to high to see over so i put my eye to a hole in the fence to see what was going on......

I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and they all started yelling 14..14...14...14...14...14!!!

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an
Armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between
Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[snochuk]

A blonde listening to the news hears that twoBrazilian men die
in a skydiving accident.

She sobs and cries, "Oh my goodness, that is so sad! How
many is a brazilian?"

 

[snochuk]

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar.. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'​

 

[snochuk]

THE IRISH BROTHEL Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died.”

 

[snochuk]

2Old Girls

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, whenit starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces tothe pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she isafter all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condomshe prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

 

[snochuk]

Subject: Fw:Beer..... According to 7 year olds

>
> *A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they
> thought of beer. *
> *
> 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks
> the prettier
> my mum gets.'
> --Tim, 7 years old**
> **
> 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on
> televisionwhen he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
> --Melanie, 7 years old**
>
> **'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she
> drinks it and
> takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very
> funny.'--Grady, 7 years old**
> **
> ''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more
> they drink the
> more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
> --Toby, 7 years old**
> **
> 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants
> sometimes,so he shouldn't have too much.
> --Sarah, 7 years old**
> **
> 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
> One time he
> danced right into the pool.'
> --Lily, 7 years old**
> **
> 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the
> sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
> --Ethan, 7 years old**
> **
> 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
> --Shirley, 7 years old**
> **
> AND THE BEST RESPONSE**
> **
> **'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my
> father.Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him
> to go bury his bone
> down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
> --Jack, 7 years*
>

 

[snochuk]

Thefemale dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask onsuffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give yousomething
to Hold On to when I pull your tooth
.

 

[snochuk]

Subject: Man Killed on Golf Course










A FOURSOME OF GUYS IS WAITING AT THE MEN'S TEE WHILE A FOURSOME OF WOMEN IS HITTING FROM THE LADIES' TEE. THE LADIES ARE TAKING THEIR TIME.

WHEN THE FINAL LADY IS READY TO HIT HER BALL, SHE HACKS IT 10 FEET. THEN SHEGOES OVER AND WHIFFS IT COMPLETELY. THEN SHE HACKS IT ANOTHER TEN FEET AND FINALLY HACKS IT ANOTHER FIVE FEET.

SHE LOOKS UP AT THE PATIENTLY WAITING MEN AND SAYS APOLOGETICALLY, "IGUESS ALL THOSE F#*@ING LESSONS I TOOK OVER THE WINTER DIDN'T HELP."

ONE OF THE MEN IMMEDIATELY RESPONDS, "WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT........ YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN GOLF LESSONS INSTEAD!"

NEVER EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO DUCK. HE WAS 43.......

 

[Richadge]

A young man was invited to his new girlfriends house for dinner to meet her parents. Thinking he should be prepared for what might happen later in the evening, he stops at the pharmacy to buy some condoms. He asks the pharmacist where the condoms are, informing him that he has a hot date and what he plans on doing with his new girlfriend.

When he arrives at his girfriends house, her parents welcome him in and proceed to sit down for dinner. Before eating, the mother asks if anyone wants to say a prayer. The young man offers and proceeds to give the most long winded and elaborate prayer anyone has heard.

Once done his girlfriend says to him, "I didn't know you were so religious?"

He replied, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

 

[sledhead_2002]

A salesman was driving down the Hwy, seen a man making love to a sheep.
The salesman hits the brakes and pulls into the drive and runs up to the house.
A little boy answers the door, and the salesman says "Little boy, there some stranger is out there making love to your sheep"
The little boy looks and say's: "Thaaaats Nooooo straaaaaanger, thaaaaaaat's my daaaaaaad"

 

[eclipse1966]

this just confirms my theory that aliens do exists but I thought they came from the sky and not at your local walmart store


http://www.youtube.com/v/6RzcvFLPg1A?version=3"><param

 

[git r done]

Heres a dirty joke for you all............................................................Once upon a time a white horse fell in the mud.

 

[JaySimon]

What's brown and sticky?



























A Stick.

 

[Summiteer]

You have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer grazing together in a field. What do you have?

































































a hundred sowsandbucks.

 

[JaySimon]

What are three words you never want to hear your wife say while you're having sex?









Honey, I'm home!

 

[JaySimon]

How do you know your girlfriend is getting too fat?













She fits into your wife's clothes.

 

[JaySimon]

So I'm at the doctors and he turns to me, looks me straight in the eye and says "Listen Jay, you need to stop masterbating"

Taken back, I asked why.

"So I can examine you."

 

[JaySimon]

Ya know, I was pretty distraught when the croc hunter died, then I realized he died exactly how he lived, with animals in his heart.