Joke of the Day
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Harp
Active member
At the Golf Clubhouse Grill....
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well, wash your hands really Dam good because I want a cheeseburger."
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well, wash your hands really Dam good because I want a cheeseburger."
Harp
Active member
My wife and I went to the Denver Stock show and one of the first exhibits
we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR. '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year. '
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR. '
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ' WOW, that's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him. '
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR. '
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said, ' That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something
from this one. '
I looked at her and said, ' Go over and ask him if it was
with the same old cow. '
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and I should eventually make a full recovery.
we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR. '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year. '
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR. '
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ' WOW, that's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him. '
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR. '
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,
and said, ' That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something
from this one. '
I looked at her and said, ' Go over and ask him if it was
with the same old cow. '
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Attachments
mudd kitty
Active VIP Member
2 priests are in the bathroom using the urinals.
+ne of them looks at the other ones pen1s and notices there's a nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your pen1s"
The other one replies, "it's working just fine. I am down to two butts a day"
If u laugh u r going straight to H3LL
Posted from my BlackBerry using BerryBlab
+ne of them looks at the other ones pen1s and notices there's a nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your pen1s"
The other one replies, "it's working just fine. I am down to two butts a day"
If u laugh u r going straight to H3LL
Posted from my BlackBerry using BerryBlab
Last edited:
Harp
Active member
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
badss
Active VIP Member
The Granny Biker
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a bikers door. A big hairy bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, " I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but explains that she needs to meet certian criteria biker requirments in order to join the club. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little Old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish...beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little Old lady replies,"Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigerettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking wiskey and shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz...?"
The Little Old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times......" :d
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a bikers door. A big hairy bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, " I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but explains that she needs to meet certian criteria biker requirments in order to join the club. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little Old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish...beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little Old lady replies,"Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigerettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking wiskey and shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz...?"
The Little Old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times......" :d
Last edited:
arcticdodge
Active VIP Member
The three Rings of marriage:
1) Engagement Ring
2) Wedding Ring
3) Suffering
Please don't let the wife see this:d
1) Engagement Ring
2) Wedding Ring
3) Suffering
Please don't let the wife see this:d
Work2Ride
Active VIP Member
This may be a bit long but don't cheat, some azzhole in my office just did this to me.
Exam:
Question:
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The King of the Forest is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Note: According to sources, Anderson Consulting Worldwide (now "Accenture"), said around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting reportedly said this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Exam:
Question:
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The King of the Forest is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
Note: According to sources, Anderson Consulting Worldwide (now "Accenture"), said around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting reportedly said this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
northern bear
RIP May 30,2022
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted!
One was a salted!
thumperracing
Active VIP Member
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
whitegold
Active VIP Member
WHY NEWFIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS
Jim and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Jim whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "By t'undering Jesus boy, I tink Bud is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard.
Jim comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"
Jim and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Jim whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "By t'undering Jesus boy, I tink Bud is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard.
Jim comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"
Pistonbroke
Active VIP Member
LHF had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job
and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total
isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is
standing there.
'Name's Maxwell, your neighbor from forty miles
up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you
might like to come at about
5:00.'
'Great', says LHF, 'after six months out here
I'm ready to meet some local
folks 'Thank you.'
As Maxwell is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn
you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says LHF. 'After 25 years in
the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be
some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all
right! I'll be there, Thanks
again.'
'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says LHF,
warming to the idea. 'I've
been all alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there. By the way, what
should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of
us.'
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job
and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total
isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is
standing there.
'Name's Maxwell, your neighbor from forty miles
up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you
might like to come at about
5:00.'
'Great', says LHF, 'after six months out here
I'm ready to meet some local
folks 'Thank you.'
As Maxwell is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn
you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says LHF. 'After 25 years in
the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be
some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all
right! I'll be there, Thanks
again.'
'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says LHF,
warming to the idea. 'I've
been all alone for six months! I'll
definitely be there. By the way, what
should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of
us.'
overkill131313
Active VIP Member
thats funny.......didnt even see it coming! LMFAO!
TheLonelyIsland
Active VIP Member
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.'He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
And scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the
scent,and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the
leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)
The littlegirl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home.'
If you ain't laffin'.... You ain't livin'.
the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.'He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
And scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the
scent,and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the
leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)
The littlegirl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home.'
If you ain't laffin'.... You ain't livin'.
Harp
Active member
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous
and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States,
he wakes one morning to find his penis covered
with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, He immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and
the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you,
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
rare and almost unheard of here, we know
very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
'Well, give me a shot or something and fix
me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's
no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror,
'absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if
you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims, 'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already
know that but what can we do,?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah, always want to
opawate. Make more money dat way.
No need to amputate.!'
Oh, Thank God,!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,
'Wait two weeks..
Fawl off by self. !'
and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States,
he wakes one morning to find his penis covered
with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, He immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and
the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you,
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
rare and almost unheard of here, we know
very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
'Well, give me a shot or something and fix
me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's
no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror,
'absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if
you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims, 'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already
know that but what can we do,?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American docttah, always want to
opawate. Make more money dat way.
No need to amputate.!'
Oh, Thank God,!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,
'Wait two weeks..
Fawl off by self. !'
Harp
Active member
Very Short Story
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B!TCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B!TCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen
Last edited by a moderator:
pistonbroke800
Active VIP Member
Well played Rowdy, well played:d lol
4x4racing
Active VIP Member
[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqhfZKDFPMg[/media]
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