Required: Sense of humor

[Summitric]

X-MAS JOKE:




ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
Boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

 

[whitegold]

Tragic news from up North....

 

[Crazy8]

Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says,

"Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS."
Ray is devastated.

"Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of AllBran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..."

Ray asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for!"

 

[Phyer Phyter]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said,

"No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,

"We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my

cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on

Monday afternoon," he said..


On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."


"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

 

[Phyer Phyter]

THE RCMP OFFICER

A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a-hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket youissued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"


Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the “AH” stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and Hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for a-hole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"

 

[Crazy8]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home...

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

"BOB, wake up! You just $hit in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be...

 

[JaySimon]

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting too fat?


She fits into your wife's clothes.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.

I spent $30 on a blow job for myself and she goes fawking mental…….

Women?!?!?!

 

[green-horn]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.


She went back to find out what was going on.


He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.


The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.


He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.


He did it and returned to his class.


Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.


'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.


'I did,' he said,
'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school."

 

[green-horn]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynacologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

 

[green-horn]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Miriam ... Miriam "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then
the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you an angel in Heaven?"

"No...I'm a Jack rabbit in Saskatchewan.

 

[green-horn]

The Federal Government claimed a farmer was not paying proper wages to his help, and sent an agent out to investigate him.
Govt employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of rye every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Govt employee: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me

 

[Summitric]

..........................

 

[green-horn]

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How
do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.

'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive
How old is he?'

He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed
wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.

He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'

Who said he wanted to?'

 

[green-horn]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'




A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[green-horn]

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'




An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'




Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

 

[heavy d]

What do tan lines and chicken have in common ?
















The white parts are the best !!!

 

[arff]

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the
woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple,
killing her instantly.

A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that
correct?"

Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged in her behind."

Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Vern: "That was my mulligan."

 

[arff]

What is Celibacy?
>
> Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
>
> While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the
> instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and
> wives know the things that are important to each other."
>
> He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
> favourite
> flower?'
>
> I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently, and whispered,
>
> 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
>
> And thus began my life of celibacy...
>

 

[heavy d]

...................got pulled over buy the police and was asked "did you know you were speeding?" I replied, " do you know you look like one of the village people?" The fight was on !