Required: Sense of humor

[crazy_wheeler]

Redneck Way of Thinking..


Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."


The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
Search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's House.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is
it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?'

'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer
makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers
an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'

'Sure is, Bubba.'

'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was
gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

'Yep.'

'And that football player sued that university when he
Gradiated and still couldn't read?'

'That's right,' said the lawyer. But why are you asking?'

'Well, I was thinkin...
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all
them ugly women I slept with?'

 

[crazy_wheeler]

A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the Pilot asked him,"if you're blind, why do you want to fly?"

And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience.

So off through the skies they went!

The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, "Help, help, I'm a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has Passed out!"

A voice came over the speaker that said, "if you are a blind man, how do you know you're upside down?"

The man said, "because ch!t is running out of my collar!!!!"

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Sex Advise....


A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such
a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you Like, so long as you take care not to
get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where Do you think Liberals come from!'

 

[Gunny]

I Thought I was a Cowboy Until

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,
so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

 

[Summitric]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, THAT'S FUNNY!

 

[SLEDBUNNYRACING]

Best Canadian Joke of the Year so far

An American couple is standing in an airport terminal somewhere in the
States, waiting for their luggage. The wife happens to notice an oddly
dressed man also waiting. She asks her husband where he thinks the man is
from.

The husband says he doesn't know. He decides to ask the man and approaches
him.

" Where are you from? " he asks the man.

" Saskatoon, Saskatchewan " he replies.

Puzzled, the husband returns to his wife.
" Well, where is he from? " asks the wife.

" I don't know " replies the husband. "
...
...
...
...
...
...
He doesn't speak English.

 

[Mike270412]

Re: I Thought I was a Cowboy Until

I must be a lesbian!

 

[albertagal500]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,
'Holy Cow! That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed. Scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later, he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman,
'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back,
'Yeah, then why were you running?'



And that, folks....... is how the fight started.

 

[CRF230LKEL]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church.




----------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

-------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

-------------------------

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

--------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

-----------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

----------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

-----------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

-----------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

-----------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-----------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-----------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

----------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

---------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..

---------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

-----------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

----------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

-----------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

-----------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

----------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

---------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

 

[Uturn]

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said, "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice."Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "Idon't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

[Junior Highmark]

hell Yea!!!

president George Bush Was In The Oval Office Wondering Which Country To Invade Next, When His Telephone Rang.

'hallo, President Bush' A Heavily Accented Voice Said. This Is Archie, Up 'ere At The Harp Seal Pub In Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada Eh? I Am Callin' To Tells Ya Dat We Are Officially Declaring War On You Eh!'

'well Archie,' George Replied, 'this Is Indeed Important News! How Big Is Your Army?'

'right Now,' Said Archie, After A Moments Calculation 'there Is Myself, Me Cousin Harold, Me Next-door-neighbor Mick, And The Whole Dart Team From The Pub. That Makes Eight!'

George Paused... 'i Must Tell You Archie, That I Have One Million Men In My Army Waiting To Move On My Command.'

'holy Jeez,' Said Archie. 'i'll Have Ta Call Ya Back!'

Sure Enough, The Next Day, Archie Called Again. 'mr. Bush, The War Is Still On! We Have Managed To Acquire Some Infantry Equipment!'

'and What Equipment Would That Be Archie?' George Asked.

'well Sir, We Have Two Combines, A Bulldozer, And Harry's Farm Tractor.'

President Bush Sighed. 'i Must Tell You Archie, That I Have 16,000 Tanks And 14,000 Armoured Personnel Carriers. Also, I've Increased My Army To One And A Half Million Since We Last Spoke.'

'lard T'underin' Jaysus, Bye', Said Archie, 'i'll Be Getting Back To Ya.'

Sure Enough, Archie Rang Again The Next Day. 'president Bush, The War Is Still On! We Have Managed To Git Ourselves Airborne! We Up An' Modified Harrigan's Ultra-light Wit A Couple Of Shotguns In The Cockpit, And Four Byes From The Legion Have Joined Us As Well!'

George Was Silent For A Minute Then Cleared His Throat. 'i Must Tell You Archie That I Have 10,000 Bombers And 20,000 Fighter Planes. My Military Complex Is Surrounded By Laser-guided, Surface-to-air Missile Sites. And Since We Last Spoke, I've Increased My Army To Two Million!'

'jeysus, Mary And Joseph,' Said Archie, 'i'll Have Ta Call Youse Back.'

Sure Enough, Archie Called Again The Next Day. 'president Bush! I Am Sorry To Have To Tell You Dat We Have Had To Call Off Dis 'ere War.'

'i'm Sorry To Hear That' Said George. 'why The Sudden Change Of Heart?'

'well, Sir,' Said Archie, 'we've All Sat Ourselves Down And Had A Long Chat Over A Bunch Of Pints, And Come To Realize Dat Dere's No Way We Can Feed Two Million Prisoners.'

Canadian Confidence Cannot Be Shaken!

 

[Gunny]

JuniorHighMark ........ I whole heartily agree with your declaration ........ HELL YEAH !!!! ....... And say ......... HELL FREAK'IN YEAH !!!!

LMAO !!!!! ... Thanks for shar'in !!!!


Later ...

 

[Scottishpride]

:d:dhaha albertagal you should enjoy these---

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Tools Explained



To the uninitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh*t!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding< /SPAN> heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[albertagal500]

Incredible Story


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stoo d frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[Uturn]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

[Uturn]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound trout on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second On the third cast he had just caught his first ever trout over 10 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 trout over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant .

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'

'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.


The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?'

 

[rknight111]

See whats cookin in Saskatchewan!

Nothing but the best!

Saskatchewan Seafood Dinner

 

[xtremegriz]

A window decal somewhere in Sask.