Required: Sense of humor

[crazy_wheeler]

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

 

[crazy_wheeler]

The answer to post #79 is....... a coffin

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[CdnWrangler]

That would scramble a few brain cells..... That is a cool picture... and an awesome idea.....

PAINTED BATHROOM FLOOR

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY on the tenth floor....


YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING..... (maybe a little too much...)


AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM....


You open the door....


NOW, REMEMBER, THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!


KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY..... DOESN'T IT?


Scroll sloooooooowly.....







Would this mess your mind up?

 

[CdnWrangler]

Ahhhh, things that go bump.....

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

A New magazine for married men....lol...

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let
such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. "What the Hell is this??", he said to himself as a little
"dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker:....

"It's not talcum powder.......

It's 'Miracle Grow'

 

[crazy_wheeler]

What can I say....it's pretty boring here today at work...

 

[CdnWrangler]

Okay.... one will notice that the bulbs aren't lit....
What's the story behind the costume?

What can I say....it's pretty boring here today at work...


View attachment 3580

 

[crazy_wheeler]

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be
faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference
to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who
took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per
table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.
"I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get
it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we
can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can
pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

[crazy_wheeler]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and
a half years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one
of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the
evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when
I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring
him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it
ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water
is the toilet??'

 

[Junior Highmark]

That bathroom picture is so trippyyyy...

 

[GRD]

That bathroom picture is so trippyyyy...

Hey Junior... Doesn't pops give you a hard time about having all of his things listed in your signature???

Gonna have to talk to that guy!

 

[KDX MIKE]

little johhny

one day little johhny got home from school and heard a bang from upstairs. curios he went upstairs and heard the noise coming from his parents bedroom. he creeped up and opened the door just a crack. there he saw his mom bent over the dresser and dad just going to town. dad looked over at the door saw johhny snickered a bit knowing he got caught as johhny closed the door and went downstairs to his room. soon after dad thought he better go explain to johhny what he saw. dad wnet down to johhnys room and slowly opened the door to find grandma bent over the dresser and johnny was getting the job done and looked up at dad and said... ITS NOT SO FUNNY WHEN ITS YOUR MOTHER IS IT!!

 

[Summitric]

 

[KDX MIKE]

A BOY CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL ONE DAY AND TURNED TO HIS DAD AND SAID. ALL THE OTHER BOYS AT SCHOOL WERE TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS, AND DAD I WAS JUST WONDERING WHAT ONE LOOKED LIKE? THEN THE DAD ASKED THE BOY WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT ONE LOOKS LIKE BEFORE OR AFTER SEX? BEFORE SEX THE BOY SAYS AND THE DAD REPLIES , IT LOOKS LIKE A BEAUTIFULL BLOONING ROSE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. AND AFTER SEX THE BOY ASKS? THE DAD LOOKS AT THE BOY WITH A DISHARTENED LOOK ON HIS FACE AND ASKS, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BULLDOG EAT A BOWL FULL OF MAYONAISE?

 

[CdnWrangler]

Are you sure that was mayo ...?

A BOY CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL ONE DAY AND TURNED TO HIS DAD AND SAID. ALL THE OTHER BOYS AT SCHOOL WERE TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS, AND DAD I WAS JUST WONDERING WHAT ONE LOOKED LIKE? THEN THE DAD ASKED THE BOY WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT ONE LOOKS LIKE BEFORE OR AFTER SEX? BEFORE SEX THE BOY SAYS AND THE DAD REPLIES , IT LOOKS LIKE A BEAUTIFULL BLOONING ROSE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. AND AFTER SEX THE BOY ASKS? THE DAD LOOKS AT THE BOY WITH A DISHARTENED LOOK ON HIS FACE AND ASKS, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BULLDOG EAT A BOWL FULL OF MAYONAISE?

 

[albertagal500]

25 Things You Know If You Have A Son...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up in the air a few times, before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old boy.

11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a five-minute response time .

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

 

[CdnWrangler]

Hmmm, to laugh so hard...

I'm going to try #25... after I buy some clorox.... oh does the type of brake fluid matter (3 dot or 4 dot??)

25 Things You Know If You Have A Son...

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up in the air a few times, before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old boy.

11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a five-minute response time .

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Hmmm, to laugh so hard...

I'm going to try #25... after I buy some clorox.... oh does the type of brake fluid matter (3 dot or 4 dot??)

Nope type of brake fluid doesn't matter.....lol....Had to run out and try that after reading # 25. Just try not to get a whiff of the smoke.....it smells worse than burning tires