Required: Sense of humor

[albertagal500]

Best Headlines of 2007...

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they big enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Dog's Butt!




A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler.

The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out, but he can't take it!"

 

[Nytro-Ryder]

thats hilarious _crazy_wheeler! thats great lol.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Good beer holder.......Maybe...

 

[Nytro-Ryder]

lol too funny!!

 

[albertagal500]

THE ZIPPER

A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN.
A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN.' NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.
WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.
AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.'
HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?'
THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID , 'NO, NO I Didn't. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS.

 

[albertagal500]

Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For C sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

S**T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullch!t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f**kin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for s**t sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a s**t whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as he!! not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f-in' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f-ing place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some a-hole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

(morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate f-ing Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!!!


Hamilton, Ontario Canada

 

[couleeman]

For sale

 

[Nytro-Ryder]

hmmm......how much?

 

[albertagal500]

PRICELESS!!!!

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' jus t fine!'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.

 

[CdnWrangler]

Albertagil500

You're jokes are killing me....! Thanks for the chuckles....... They made the day

 

[albertagal500]

PAINTED BATHROOM FLOOR

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY on the tenth floor....


YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING..... (maybe a little too much...)


AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM....


You open the door....


NOW, REMEMBER, THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!


KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY..... DOESN'T IT?


Scroll sloooooooowly.....







Would this mess your mind up?

 

[Nytro-Ryder]

Sports-car

there's 2 kids about 6 years old in a sandbox playing, a while later they get some sand in there clothes so they start takin of their clothes, so they both look at each other and say "whats that?" so they both say "i dont know", they run off to their houses, the boy says to his dad "dad whats this?", his dad says "son thats youre sports-car, someday a nice young lady is gonna let you park that in her garage". the daughter goes to her mom, " mom whats this?" her mom says "honney thats youre garage, someday a nice young man is gonna park his sports car in there", so both the kids head back to the sand box, a few minutes later the parents hear screaming coming from the sandbox, so they run over to the sandbox, and they see the girl holding a knife, and they boy rolling around screaming holding his hands in beetween his legs, so the parents ask "what happened?!?" and the girl says "he tryed to park his sports-car in my garage but it didnt fit so i cut the back wheels off"

 

[crazy_wheeler]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to San Diego?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde, 'but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.'

 

[crazy_wheeler]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter ask "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed.
"When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago"

 

[crazy_wheeler]

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

 

[crazy_wheeler]

the strongest force in the world : SH*T : hercules could not hold back the force of a little terd

 

[crazy_wheeler]

The person that makes it sells it.
The person that buys it does not use it.
The person that uses it does not know that they use it.

What is it???

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Candle Of Life

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.

'No,' said Bush, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Bush. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

President Bush searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'


'Fantastic!' exclaimed Bush. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'


'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.......

and it probably wouldn't be an accident either'.