Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders.



"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.



He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit
President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.



Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.



"Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.



"By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.



"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely
audible voice:


"Sack my cook"



"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."

 

[green-horn]

When your are dead, you don't know you're dead
The pain is only felt by others
The same thing happens when you are stupid

 

[green-horn]

THIS IS FRIGHTENING - PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME STATISTICS IN RECENT YEARS!!




Twenty-five percent (25%) of women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's terrifying - it means 75% are running around untreated!

 

[skegpro]

Tonight's screening, Brokeback mountain.

 

[Joholio]

 

[snochuk]

DearSir,

I havea very complicated benefits question.

Manyyears ago, I married a widow who had an 18 year old daughter.

Afterthe wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit and he fell in love with mystep daughter.

Myfather married her without my authorization.

As aresult my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son inlaw.

Myfather's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a sonwho is
mygrandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

Thisboy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

So mywife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

ThereforeI am also my wife's grandchild.

A shorttime after, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law,
thestep-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My sonis also my step mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife hasbecome
agrandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

Inlight of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does myson, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother
fulfillthe requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerelyyours,

MohammedAbu Laden Habib




Dear Mohammed.

THEANSWER: Of course, you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailingthe
checksto all of you just as soon as you arrive here in Canada..

Yoursfaithfully,

JustinTrudeau

PS.Just go to Roxham Road in Quebec. It is less hassle crossing into Canada there.

 

[doorfx]

 

[doorfx]

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Frank Sinatra


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers


Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin


You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Bob Hope


"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

 

[doorfx]

I'm sure someplace, sometime this probably actually happened. GRIN


Subject: Fw: Nice Guy

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again. She
decided to leave a note saying, "I've had enough and have left you, don't bother
coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in
the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him
walking towards the dresser and pick up the note...

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the
phone and calling someone ; - "she's finally gone...yeah I know, about
bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed,
seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to
see what he wrote; "I can see your feet."
"Stop being a retard, we're outta bread. back in 5 min."



Virus-free. www.avg.com

 

[ATV Rancher]

But maybe the paper could have chosen a different title.

https://bennettcountyboostersd.com/news/4420-lost-and-found-with-a-happy-ending

 

[Beer Slayer]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVY9opi9jMI

Does have some good points, lol.

Yes, that's a wooden spoon.

 

[green-horn]

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

 

[green-horn]

I can make Scotch disappear - what is your superpower?



Tomorrow - A mythical land where I get all my stuff done!



Another wine bottle with no genie at the bottom. I will keep on looking.



Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.



Think, it is not illegal yet!



To me, DRINK RESPONSIBLY means don't spill it.



I may be left handed but I am always right!



I can't believe how old people my age are.



Since I retired I have a part-time job. I am a pain in the ass.



Do not scare me...I poop easily.



WTF Where's the fish?



Dusted my house once. It came back. Not falling for that again!



I broke up with my gym.. We just weren't working out.



I am not mean. I am brutally truthful. Not my fault that truth hurts. Get a Band-Aid.



You are never too old to take a nap.



If you are happy and know it...it is your Meds!



Take life one sip at a time.



I had my patience tested. I am negative.

 

[green-horn]

Wipe your mouth. There is a tiny bit of bull**** around your lips.



Telling a woman to calm down works as well as baptizing a cat.



Punch today in the face.



Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.



If I were a bird I know who I would **** on.



I am not weird. I am a limited edition.



When you ca't find the sunshine, be the sunshine.



I should get an award for keeping my mouth shut when there is so much to be said.



If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur.



I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you.



Don't grow up. It is a trap!

 

[Joholio]

 

[Summit 934]

 

[winterax]

After 10years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do aDNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed andspoiled his diaper.
Then you said:
"Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

 

[imdoo'n]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

 

[imdoo'n]

Th appointment!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never

 

[doorfx]

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY!!

In light of all the online deliveries, FEDEX and UPS have joined forces to provide faster service.
The new company will be named, FEDUP