Summiteer
Active VIP Member
Re: Heard a good one today!!!
Well this is more fun than killing babies with a rubber mallet........
Well this is more fun than killing babies with a rubber mallet........
Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
Re: Heard a good one today!!!
Why was MJ in boys pants dept at Sears?
He heard the pants were half off.
What do you call foreplay in Sask?
"Hey sis, you awake?"
What's the similarity between caviare and michael jackson?????
They both come on little white crackers
Why was MJ in boys pants dept at Sears?
He heard the pants were half off.
What do you call foreplay in Sask?
"Hey sis, you awake?"
buck50
Active VIP Member
Re: Heard a good one today!!!
how did the hutterite find his sister in the field?
so so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how did the hutterite find his sister in the field?
so so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike270412
Golden Boy
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your *** hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied,'probably deer hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
1. Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here.'
2. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
3. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a 'goodyear'.
4. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet but when they go, they take your house and car with them.
5. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
6. Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose...:d
A: It's Braille for 'suck here.'
2. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
3. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a 'goodyear'.
4. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet but when they go, they take your house and car with them.
5. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
6. Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose...:d
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
Charitable Husband
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten ! For three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't! Wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten ! For three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't! Wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Batter Up!
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one
favor: When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her.
"Barb...Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb - it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one
favor: When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her.
"Barb...Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb - it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
sledbunny
Active VIP Member
A Blonde’s interpretation of a CooKbook
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
OOPS BLONDE MOMENT!!!
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday:
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
OOPS BLONDE MOMENT!!!
sledbunny
Active VIP Member
Why Men Have Toys
Sent that pic to my wife. Told her I just bought it. She said I must have got it at an estate sale where it would be sold again if I didn't remove the slogan. I think that means I just got the okay for a new enclosed. LOL
Last edited:
sledbunny
Active VIP Member
well there you go! now that you got the okay from the wife you better go get one!! LOL
Mike270412
Golden Boy
I AM CANADIAN
I am in the minority in Calgary , Vancouver , Toronto
And every casino in this country.
I was born in the forties, fifties or sixties, yet I am somehow responsible for some
First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700's!
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are
Ignorant.... These same people cannot name this country's new territory.
On April 1st, 1999, the map of Canada changed for the first time in 50 years with the creation of Nunavut Territory . The Northwest Territories was split and approximately 2 million square kilometers of the central and eastern arctic became ' Nunavut '.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on hamburgers and don't
Have a pot to pee in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase
a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate...
Quebec still provides most of my nation's prime ministers.
95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.
I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm
Sure none of them have ever been to Africa for that matter.
I am being told that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
I am also being told that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my
Grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if
I don't register it.
I am being told that spending $15 billion to promote the French language
In the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't
Support or recognize the English language.
I am being told that paying $1million for 3 Stripes ('The Voice of Fire painting in Ottawa )
By the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country
Didn't want it or will ever see it.
When I look at my pension and realize that I take home a third of what I actually
Make, I say 'Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans.'
I must bail out big corporations who drive their business into the
Ground and say yeah that's ok when they move all their manufacturing plants
And jobs to a third world country and say no problem.
My National Anthem has versions in both official languages.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest
Military buffer for the United States , and the number one destination
For fleeing terrorists.
I am not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer who is broke.
I am Canadian !!!
I am in the minority in Calgary , Vancouver , Toronto
And every casino in this country.
I was born in the forties, fifties or sixties, yet I am somehow responsible for some
First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700's!
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are
Ignorant.... These same people cannot name this country's new territory.
On April 1st, 1999, the map of Canada changed for the first time in 50 years with the creation of Nunavut Territory . The Northwest Territories was split and approximately 2 million square kilometers of the central and eastern arctic became ' Nunavut '.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on hamburgers and don't
Have a pot to pee in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase
a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate...
Quebec still provides most of my nation's prime ministers.
95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.
I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm
Sure none of them have ever been to Africa for that matter.
I am being told that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
I am also being told that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my
Grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if
I don't register it.
I am being told that spending $15 billion to promote the French language
In the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't
Support or recognize the English language.
I am being told that paying $1million for 3 Stripes ('The Voice of Fire painting in Ottawa )
By the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country
Didn't want it or will ever see it.
When I look at my pension and realize that I take home a third of what I actually
Make, I say 'Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans.'
I must bail out big corporations who drive their business into the
Ground and say yeah that's ok when they move all their manufacturing plants
And jobs to a third world country and say no problem.
My National Anthem has versions in both official languages.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest
Military buffer for the United States , and the number one destination
For fleeing terrorists.
I am not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer who is broke.
I am Canadian !!!
Mike270412
Golden Boy
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 25 success is . . having sex.
At age 40 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having sex
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 25 success is . . having sex.
At age 40 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having sex
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
The Polite Way to Pee -
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner wit h a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner wit h a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
UKRAINIAN BLONDE
An attractive blonde from Kiev arrived at the casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
'completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES,
YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Ukrainians are stupid..
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men are men.
An attractive blonde from Kiev arrived at the casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
'completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES,
YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Ukrainians are stupid..
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men are men.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him" she asks. "NO, I didn't! It's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and two guys helped us I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.
"Who was it" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him" she asks. "NO, I didn't! It's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and two guys helped us I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.
Christmas Story - an antidote to all that mushy stuff
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick , the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones , and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit , which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer , he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out , Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh , one of the floorboards cracked , the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated , Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard , he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration , he accidentally dropped the cider jug , and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang , and irritated Santa marched to the door , yanked it open , and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully , 'Merry Christmas , Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick , the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones , and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit , which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer , he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out , Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh , one of the floorboards cracked , the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated , Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard , he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration , he accidentally dropped the cider jug , and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang , and irritated Santa marched to the door , yanked it open , and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully , 'Merry Christmas , Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
T'was three weeks before Christmas, when all through the house
The opposition was stirring, even Layton - the louse.
The dealings were waved in front of noses in the air,
In hopes that a Coalition soon would be there.
The Blocs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of separatism danced in their heads.
And Jack in his 'kerchief, and Stéphane - the sap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When all across the country there arose such a clatter,
Dion insisted, it didn't really matter.
Away out the window, he threw with a flash,
The results of the election, amid the backlash.
The moon on the breast of Elizabeth May,
Suggested she might still be able to play.
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear,
But a weasely Frenchman with promises dear.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was Jack Layton, the dick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name
"Now Dion! now, Duceppe! Now Mays - you vixen!
Let's get together, It's time to Listen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Let's unite! Let's unite! Separatists and all!"
And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of Canadians, not aloof.
They drew in their heads, and turned around,
And down the chimney St Harper came with a bound.
He was dressed all in gold, from his head to his feet,
Letting them know he wouldn't be easy to defeat.
A bundle of Tories he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a King, with nothing to lack.
His eyes-how they glared! his fists, how clenched!
He stands for democracy, and won't see it trenched!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
For the governor-general soon would appear.
The promise of dissolving he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it caused encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a stern face and a little round belly,
And wanted to bury Dion in a bowlful of jelly!
Harper was elected by Canadians, voted in fair,
Not a Weasel, not a Separatist, not the guy with no hair!
With them getting together, it will have to be said,
Canadians will face the future with dread.
Harper spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Shook his head in disgust, then turned to the jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
Trying to teach Canadians, what this is about.
And I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"This is the end of democracy, C'mon lets fight!"
The opposition was stirring, even Layton - the louse.
The dealings were waved in front of noses in the air,
In hopes that a Coalition soon would be there.
The Blocs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of separatism danced in their heads.
And Jack in his 'kerchief, and Stéphane - the sap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When all across the country there arose such a clatter,
Dion insisted, it didn't really matter.
Away out the window, he threw with a flash,
The results of the election, amid the backlash.
The moon on the breast of Elizabeth May,
Suggested she might still be able to play.
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear,
But a weasely Frenchman with promises dear.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was Jack Layton, the dick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name
"Now Dion! now, Duceppe! Now Mays - you vixen!
Let's get together, It's time to Listen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Let's unite! Let's unite! Separatists and all!"
And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of Canadians, not aloof.
They drew in their heads, and turned around,
And down the chimney St Harper came with a bound.
He was dressed all in gold, from his head to his feet,
Letting them know he wouldn't be easy to defeat.
A bundle of Tories he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a King, with nothing to lack.
His eyes-how they glared! his fists, how clenched!
He stands for democracy, and won't see it trenched!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
For the governor-general soon would appear.
The promise of dissolving he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it caused encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a stern face and a little round belly,
And wanted to bury Dion in a bowlful of jelly!
Harper was elected by Canadians, voted in fair,
Not a Weasel, not a Separatist, not the guy with no hair!
With them getting together, it will have to be said,
Canadians will face the future with dread.
Harper spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Shook his head in disgust, then turned to the jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
Trying to teach Canadians, what this is about.
And I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"This is the end of democracy, C'mon lets fight!"
Let Bygones be Bygones
The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality.
For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.
Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling, and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.
What a gal ! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.
The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality.
For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.
Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling, and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.
What a gal ! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.
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