Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting mosquitoes.



Every time he sees a mosquito he utters, "f***ing mosquitoes, f***king mosquitoes."



Just as the boy says it, a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the mosquitoes because every one of God's creations has a purpose."



Little Johnny, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "Bull****!"



"Well, tell me three things on this earth that God has made without a cause" says the priest.




Little Johnny looks at him and replies, “Tits on a nun, Balls on a priest, and these f**king Mosquitoes.”

 

[DaveB]

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street
outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Estevan, Saskatchewan.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The
gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window
and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no
attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as
some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was
empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the
road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He
performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to
his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie, "Tonight I'm the designated
decoy."

 

[sledhead_2002]

this is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you'. 'what do you mean?' asked his wife. 'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in!"

​

 

[sledhead_2002]

A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants.

So the bartender says,
"Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

And the pirate says,
"Arrgh, and it's drivin' me nuts"

 

[sledhead_2002]

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" "Ain't nobody under there now!"

 

[sledhead_2002]

just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'









Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



​

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.










I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.










An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'










My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.










Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.










It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker .

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'










THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.​

 

[sledhead_2002]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. But I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. “You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[sledhead_2002]

A distraught senior citizen

Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'


***********************

An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------

 

[sledhead_2002]

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing house siding, she would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,'
Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

 

[sledhead_2002]

A woman in a supermarket is watching a grandfather and his badly-behaved
3-year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for
sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,
cereal and pop in the other aisles.Meanwhile, the grandfather is
working his way around,
saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy.

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
the grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax,
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept
your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you
as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. This little ****'s name is
Kevin!"

 

[sledhead_2002]

The Best Smart Alec Answers of 2011!!

SMART ALEC ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ALEC ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.


Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ALEC ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they'redead...'


SMART ALEC ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket..


SMART ALEC ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was deliveringthis bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ALEC ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2011!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-Alec student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with yourother hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

 

[sledhead_2002]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

 

[sledhead_2002]

A young boy enters a barber shop and barber whispers to is customer, "this is the dumbest kid in the world" Watch while I prove it to you. The Barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, " Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two quarters and leaves the dollar. "What did I tell you?" "That kid is dumb as a rock"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! Can I ask you why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over

 

[sledhead_2002]

An elderly woman approaches the President of a 1% MC in a biker bar and asks what she needs to do to join.

The Pres asks her if she can cuss. She proceeds to call him everything but his name.

Then he asks if she can hold her drinks. She challenges and bests one of the other members in a shot-for-shot tequila challenge.

Finally, the President asks "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The old lady says "No, but I've been swung around by my nipples!"

 

[sledhead_2002]

a few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
suddenly, satan appeared at the front of the church.
everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
soon the church was empty except for one elderly biker who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that god's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
so satan walked up to the man and said, "do you know who i am?"
the old biker replied, "yep, sure do."
"aren't you afraid of me?" satan asked.
"nope, sure ain't." said the biker.
"don't you realize i can kill you with one word?" asked satan.
"don't doubt it for a minute", returned the old man, in an even tone.
"did you know that i can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted satan.
"yep", was the calm reply.
"and you are still not afraid?" asked satan."
"nope", said the old biker.
more than a little perturbed, satan asked, "why aren't you afraid of me?"
the old biker calmly replied, "been married to your sister for 48 years".

 

[arff]

Le Serveur | The Waiter (Greg Romano) - YouTube

 

[Joholio]

Haha good one arff


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Joholio]

lol


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Clode]

Husband animates joke about tortilla chips told by his drunk wife - YouTube

 

[green-horn]

SMART ASS
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him.. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . .. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.