Required: Sense of humor

[kbrunlees]

The Geezer Test

How many of these do you remember?

1. Cap Guns.
2. Home milk delivery in glass bottles.
3. TV test patterns early in the morning.
4. Curb finders for your car.
5. Stamp books and redemption centers.
6. Phone booths.
7. Aluminum ice cube trays with pull handles.
8. Bus tokens.
9. FREE road maps at service stations.
10 Doctors who made house calls.
11. Cigarette vending machines.
12. Flash Cubes.
13. Lincoln Logs.
14. F.W. Woolworth Company.

Thanks an EFFING lot, might as well start digging now! ( grave in case you missed that) FYI I remember every freaking one. And in addition to the glass bottles what about the tokens that you put in the top to get more milk?

 

[green-horn]

New definition for S.O.S.



A C-130 Hercules was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.


The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'


and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.


He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier .


The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?


The C-130 pilot said, 'That was i mpressive, but watch this!'


The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came
back on and said,


'What did you think of that?'


Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'


The C-130 pilot chuckled.


'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back,


took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'




When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem like a good thing!


When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!


We older folks understand this one,

It's called S.O.S.


Slower, Older and Smarter....

 

[green-horn]

Nicoderm


Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.


He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed

to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'


The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.

I'm down to two butts a day.'

 

[Bnorth]

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle
> when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
>
> "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
>
> "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little
> boy.
> After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked,
> "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
>
> The little boy asked if he could try it out first,
> and, after riding the bike around a little while, said,
> "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
>
> The preacher took the mower and began to crank it.
> He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
>
> The preacher called the little boy over and said,
> "I can't get this mower to start."
> The little boy said,
> "Thats because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
>
> The preacher said, "I can't cuss.
> It's been so long since I became a Christian
> that I don't even remember how to cuss."
>
> The little boy looked at him happily and said,
> "You just keep pulling on that rope.
> It'll come back to ya."
>

 

[Bnorth]

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at
various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound
system.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council told me, “Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.
I love this country. It's the Government I'm afraid of.

 

[Bnorth]

Does anyone know why baby diapers are called Luvs & Huggies while old people diapers are called Depends?

Cause if a baby ****s in their pants, you are still gonna Luv'em & Hug'em. If an old person ****s in their pants, will they still be Luv'ed or Hugged?

That "Depends" on if your ass is in the Will or not.

 

[Bnorth]

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have
Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There... That, should piss off just about everybody...

 

[Bnorth]

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.

[h=5]"Brampton" !!!... There's ****in' thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.[/h]

 

[Bnorth]

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Tenderflake, Oh Tenderflake!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Tenderflake is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished. 'Your wife's name is Tenderflake?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ass.'

 

[green-horn]

What is the difference between a Mother and a Wife?

One woman brings you into this world crying, and the other ensures you continue to do so!

 

[green-horn]

No body teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to sway around, and no one teaches how to choose a wife.

Natural Disasters just happen!

 

[green-horn]

A recently fired stock trader said, "This is worse than a divorce! I have lost everything, and I still have my wife!!!!"

 

[green-horn]

Women live a better, longer and peaceful life.

WHY?

Very simple....... A women does NOT have a WIFE!!

 

[DaveB]

An Englishman, a Scot and a Irishman walk into a pub to have a beer. Pretty soon a fly swoops down and lands in the Englishman’s beer, so he pushes away his mug and orders another. A few minutes later a fly swoops down and lands in the Scot’s beer,the Scot reaches into his mug and picks out the fly and continues drinking his beer. A few moments later another fly swoops down and lands in the Irishman’s beer ,the Irishman reaches in his mug picks up the fly and starts slapping the fly on the back yelling spit it out, spit it out!

 

[snopro]

With the recent floods how does Flames management expect to bail all that water out of the Saddledome with only 1 Cup?

 

[magnet]

What's the difference between the bow river and the Calgary flames?





The bow river can fill the saddledome.

 

[ferniesnow]

With the recent floods how does Flames management expect to bail all that water out of the Saddledome with only 1 Cup?

What's the difference between the bow river and the Calgary flames?





The bow river can fill the saddledome.

You guys are sick..............down right sick!

Great jokes just the same.

 

[green-horn]

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE











....It takes less than 15 seconds......







If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?





1. _ _NDOM





2. F_ _K





3. P_N_S





4. PU_S_





5. S_X





6. BOO_S



































Answers:



1. RANDOM



2. FORK



3. PANTS



4. PULSE



5. SIX



6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?





The good news…You do NOT have Alzheimer's.



But--- you are a Pervert...

 

[green-horn]

Even a toilet can handle only one a$$hole at a time.

 

[green-horn]

The secret to being happy is having a good sense of humor & a dirty mind