Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and Exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age.
(I just turned sixty-one).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
Him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is
Very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
Sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..

'Then, why do you even give a chit?'

 

[Bnorth]

BREAKING NEWS
>
>
> 63 Pakistanis died in Brampton,Ont. this morning.
>
> A police spokesperson says it was not a terrorist suicide bomber; a bunk bed
> collapsed.
>
> The police are blaming AL IKEA

 

[Bnorth]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

 

[underdog]

Cherry Mistmas!!!
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

 

[green-horn]

There was a bit of confusion at Canadian Tire this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to Harper about the gun registry
people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

[green-horn]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

 

[green-horn]

a newfie named eric is driving home from the local pub after downing a few

he turns the corner and sees a tree in the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid it. He realizes there's another directly in his path!

He discovers his drive home is causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears a police siren and stops his car.

The officer approaches his car and asks him what on earth is he doing..
Eric starts to tell the story of the trees on the road the officer stops him in mid sentence and says...

Fer chrise sakes,eric that's yer air freshener !

 

[green-horn]

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made
your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.

 

[green-horn]

Proof that you can never under estimate the innovation of Canadian Farm Boys:


At a high school in Saskatchewan, a group of boy students played a prank.

They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of
the goats: 1, 2 and 4 ..

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

 

[green-horn]

$1.99 SPECIAL

If you are a senior you will understand
this one, if you deal with seniors,
this should help you understand them
a little better,
and if you are not a senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be......
The $1.99 Special


We went to breakfast at a restaurant
where the 'seniors' special' was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $1.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said.
'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $2.50
because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for
not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?'
the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,'
my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and
baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
We've been around the block more
than once!

 

[green-horn]

MY NEXT LIFE



I want to live my next life backwards :



You start out dead and get that out of the way.



Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better

every day.



Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.



Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.



Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.



You work 40 years until you're too young to work.



You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're

generally promiscuous.



Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have

no responsibilities.



Then you become a baby, and then...



You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like

conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...



You finish off as an orgasm.



I rest my case!

 

[green-horn]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. He peeks over the top, and sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered, points his finger at the couple and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief follows the pointed finger, looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,

"My bike."

 

[green-horn]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:


"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

 

[Throttle*Queen]

 

[SHIFTmx]

The ending is too funny

 

[snochuk]

With the Holidays upon us I would like to sharea personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes withthe authorities from time to time on the way home after a "socialsession" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening withfriends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over thelimit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cabhome.

Sure enough on the way home there was a policeroad block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safelywithout incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before,I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what todo with it.

 

[snochuk]

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, youwalked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here,and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that willbe with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you willlove me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish orunlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and willlove you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adamand Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eveand he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all theanimals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be areflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion tothem and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to theLord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strutand preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog hasindeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who willbe with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind themof their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy ofadoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazedinto Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved .

And God was pleased ..
And Dog was happy .

And Cat . . .
didn't give a ch!t one way or the other .

 

[snochuk]

Whata well thought-out plan!!!!!

This is one from NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster Jiggs McDonald in Orillia .

Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque
being built in Toronto .

I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless
of their religious beliefs.

Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the
mosque,

thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy",

and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o'Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret ";

with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy
shop, "Koranal Knowledge ",

its name in flashing neon lights and on the other side a liquor store
called "Morehammered."

 

[Bnorth]

A lawyer and a Ukrainian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Ukrainians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Ukrainian would like to play a fun game.
The Ukrainian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Ukrainian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Ukrainian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Ukrainian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Ukrainian and hands him $500. The Ukrainian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Ukrainian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Ukrainian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

[Bnorth]

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Will we be stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"