Required: Sense of humor

[SLEDBUNNYRACING]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the
Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent
and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind
racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,


"Will I be acquitted?"

 

[green-horn]

Notable Quotes


Some good ones here
.
"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.
Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."
Timothy Jones
.
"When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land."
Desmond Tutu
.
" America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population
believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked."
David Letterman
.
"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
God dammit, I'm a billionaire."
Howard Hughes
.
"After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box."
Italian proverb
.
"Men are like linoleum floors.
Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for years."
Mae West
.
"The only reason they say 'Women and children first'
is to test the strength of the lifeboats."
Jean Kerr
.
"I've been married to a communist and a fascist,
and neither would take out the garbage!"
Zsa Zsa Gabor
.
"You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't."
Jeff Foxworthy
.
"When a man opens a car door for his wife,
it's either a new car or a new wife."
Prince Philip
.
"A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
Emo Philips.
.
"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself."
Harrison Ford
.
"The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan
.
"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke."
Robin Hall
.
"Kill one man and you're a murderer,
kill a million and you're a conqueror."
Jean Rostand.
.
"Having more money doesn't make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million."
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
.
"We are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for, I have no idea."
W.H. Auden
.
"In hotel rooms I worry.
I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked."
Jonathan Katz
.
"If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today
and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
.
"I don't believe in astrology.
I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical."
Arthur C. Clarke
.
" Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap."
Steve Martin
.
"Home cooking.
Where many a man thinks his wife is."
Jimmy Durante
.
"As I hurtled through space,
one thought kept crossing my mind
- every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder."
John Glenn
.
"If toast always lands butter-side down,
and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?"
Steven Wright
.
" America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric."
Doug Hamwell
.
"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who's there."
George Roberts
.
"If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!"
Jonathan Winters
.
"I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad, I take something for it."
Robert Benchley

 

[green-horn]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

 

[green-horn]

First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

[~Rowdy~]

Oh my lord too funny. hahaha

 

[rgashkei]

Adam Sandler song from last night's benefit.

Adam Sandler - Sandy Screw Ya - 121212 Concert - YouTube

 

[d mills]

Here is a scam....... Be careful!!!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while at Home Depot. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20 year-olds girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and goes down on you while the other one slips her hand between the seats and steals your wallet...!!
I had my wallet stolen Oct 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th&28th. Also November 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th & 9th, and three times last Saturday. So be very careful

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

 

[stuckenough]

Not sure if this ones on here yet....


Depressed


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."


Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."


Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!


I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.


I had to press 1 for English.


I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.


They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


Folks, we're screwed.

 

[snochuk]

[FONT=""] [/FONT][FONT=""]Dear Santa,[/FONT][FONT=""] [/FONT] How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X - Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones * * Dear Timmy, Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.* Merry Christmas,* Santa Claus*** * * Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones * * Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus * * Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T - Bone * * Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G - banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your ch!t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy * * Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy * * Timmy, That's what I thought you little bastard. Santa

 

[green-horn]

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY IN FRONT OF CHILDREN

The Family Dinner Party


To all of us with kids or grandchildren - Can't you just see this happening!

A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone
was encouraged to bring all their children as well.

All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl
stared at the uncle sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for
him.

He finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went
quiet for her response.

The little girl said "I just want to see how you drink like a fish."

 

[green-horn]

FROM ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (true story)...


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate bird strikes -- the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl -- in order to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."

 

[green-horn]

HEALTH TIP

If you can't afford a doctor, go to the airport.

You will get a free x-ray, and breast exam. AND if you mention Al Qaeda.... you will get a free colonoscopy!

 

[green-horn]

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

[green-horn]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

 

[green-horn]

A couple was Christmas shopping at the Mail on Christmas Eve and the Mail
was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look
up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they
had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile
phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store
we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for
you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

[macronut]

Family Disgrace

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.”
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she had said. "But," she said, "I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried that I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

 

[TylerG]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat azz and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
ch!t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little b@st@rd.
Santa

 

[doorfx]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving .

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the
authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with
friends. Well three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had
several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still
had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did
something that I've never done before - I took a cab home .

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a
cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real
surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and
now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it................any
suggestions ?

 

[macronut]

[h=2]Pulled Over
[/h] A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

 

[green-horn]

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . .."