Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was,
and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken
is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was
probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher
sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me
not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite
live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was
because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed,
and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest,
but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person
I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 

[green-horn]

The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny

Written by Anna. Posted in Marriage

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.
He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?
That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.
“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.
“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”
“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.
“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.
He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”
“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.
“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”
“Okay, are you sure you’re …”
“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

 

[gibsons]

Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."​

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too....
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her....
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.​

What does your wife look like?
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,​

-----Let's look for yours!​

 

[green-horn]

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the crap out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

 

[snochuk]

Subject: Fw: Researching crowbehaviour - fascinating


The facts:

Read that they recently found about 200 dead crows near WhitemouthManitoba, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
In doing the research, they had a Bird Pathologist examine theremains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOTAvian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crowshad been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by an impactwith a car.

The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist todetermine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus carkills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause, theconclusion in short order was:
When crows eat road kill, theyalways set-up a look-out Crow in nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say"Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

 

[AreWeThereYet]

Subject: Fw: Researching crowbehaviour - fascinating


The facts:

Read that they recently found about 200 dead crows near WhitemouthManitoba, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
In doing the research, they had a Bird Pathologist examine theremains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOTAvian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crowshad been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by an impactwith a car.

The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist todetermine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus carkills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause, theconclusion in short orderwas:
When crows eat road kill, theyalways set-up a look-out Crow in nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say"Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

I want to boo that one so bad,.. but instead will like,.. lol.

 

[snochuk]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. Mynext ch!t could spell disaster.

My wife’s best friend sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral,a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done".

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or"foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife decided tocommit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself Istarted to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Fawk it….soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I gotdownstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! Ipanicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered MacDonalds servebreakfast until 11

 

[LennyR]

I was sitting in a bar having a drink and this extremely well fed woman jumped on the table next to me a started dancing and gyrating around. I said to her "good legs". She giggled and said why thank you. I said yeah, most tables would have totally collapsed by now.

 

[john s]

A radical muslim family just moved in next door to me. They have 3 kids and their 9 year boy just challenged me to a water balloon fight in the back yard. i will be right back in a few, got to check and see if the water is boiling yet!!!​

 

[JaySimon]

So the other day I'm driving along, and wind up stopped at a red light. This car full of frenchmen pulls up beside me, I look over and they start.
"You english pig! watch the road"
"Viva quebec, we will seperate"
They kept going on and on.
I was still kind of in shock when the light turned green, so I hesitated. The car full of frenchmen punched it, and made their way through the intersection.
Just then, a semi that couldn't stop came careening through the intersection while blowing a red light, completely totalling their car.


I sat there for a moment, in deeper shock, and really thought to myself. "Man, that could have been me"


So today, I went in to apply for my class 1

 

[whoDEANie]

A guys is walking along and comes across a park bench with three gorgeous women sitting on it, each with a popsicle in her hand. One was biting her popcsicle, one was licking her popsicle, and one was sucking her popsicle. What one did he approach?

The one with the big tits, of course. ...but I like the way you think!

 

[whoDEANie]

What's the first symptom of AIDS? ...a constant pounding in the azz.

 

[dpolacik]

 

[somethingnuw]

I just received my tax return back from Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents"
I replied:
2 million Native Indians;
1 million crack heads;
7.3 million unemployed people;
100,000 people in prisons;
... Half of Haiti ;
and 105 persons in the Federal Senate and 308 Members of Parliament.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF: WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

 

[green-horn]

I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night
and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next
door's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from
nowhere and smacked him over the head with a
shovel killing him instantly. He then began to
dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got
back into bed. My wife said, 'darling you're
shaking, what is it?

'You'll never believe it. That son-of-a-b__ch
neighbor of ours, still has my shovel!

 

[green-horn]

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed, and hanging free ..........
It's women who make it hard !! -

 

[green-horn]

Subject: ONE FOR THE GOOD GUYS

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari then?

 

[green-horn]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the a$$ are interchangeable.'

 

[my mod]

He was in ecstasy with ahuge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward,then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out....in andout
She could feel the sweaton her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of herback, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart waspounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then beganto groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream andshouted,
"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f.....gcar! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

 

[~Rowdy~]