| THREE GIRLS Tillie - Maude - Gertrude These Three old ladies and their dogs Were Sitting on a park bench Having a quiet conversation When A flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, Stood right in front of them And Opened his trench coat. Gertrude Immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, Couldn't reach that far. | ||
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Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
Subject: You Gotta Be Shittin' Me
Haveyou ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:
"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through theFather of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing theDelaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat.It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember thisname) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered himto keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continuedswinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw CorporalPeters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searchedfor nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of theirfavourites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on theother side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them thatthey must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I seelights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of illrepute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowdingaround him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood abeautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many menstanding there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am GeneralGeorge Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, anddesperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, andwith a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to theright place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men doyou have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us withoutPeters .'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
I only sent this to those with a slightly warpedsense of humour
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
After being married for 47 years, I took a careful look at my wife
one day and said....... "Forty seven years ago we had a cheap house,
a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and
white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 21-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa
bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's
problems
one day and said....... "Forty seven years ago we had a cheap house,
a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and
white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 21-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa
bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's
problems
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
‘We can't drive.'
‘Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting.’
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
‘We can't drive.'
‘Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed. So we're just waiting.’
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
A Newfoundlander is driving down a road in St. Johns.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself. 'Me 3 favourite tings!'
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself. 'Me 3 favourite tings!'
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .....
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....
"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....
"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here.
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who,
in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot. ‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will '
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up right up your ass and it won't hurt as much.
in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot. ‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will '
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up right up your ass and it won't hurt as much.
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies,
were a fellow from Alberta, a fellow from Quebec, a little
old Greek lady,
and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a
bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks..The little old Greek lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have
groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to
grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.
The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Alberta must have
groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and
got me instead.The fellow from Alberta thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
just so I can smack that fawker from Quebec again
were a fellow from Alberta, a fellow from Quebec, a little
old Greek lady,
and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a
bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks..The little old Greek lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have
groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to
grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.
The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Alberta must have
groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and
got me instead.The fellow from Alberta thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
just so I can smack that fawker from Quebec again
teamgreen
Active VIP Member
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,
but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,” Why did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,
but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,” Why did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
my mod
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- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
amazing simple home remedies
1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling
water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by
using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember
to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then
you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does,
use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily thought:
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they
bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a galaevent hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage ofextremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached theSergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a veryserious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations andsaid, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up aconversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoyyourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his seriousmanner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don'ttake this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where sheproceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, sheleaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, afterglancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.'
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a veryserious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations andsaid, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up aconversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoyyourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his seriousmanner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don'ttake this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious.You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where sheproceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, sheleaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, afterglancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.'
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it." |
eclipse1966
Active VIP Member
polarice
Active VIP Member
[h=2]So Much Snow[/h]
One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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