Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
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A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says"I feel terrible"..
The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week,
throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3days".
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!!What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick..!"
The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week,
throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3days".
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!!What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick..!"
Forthose that don't know about American history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humansoriginally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. Theylived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast andlive on fish and lobster in the winter.
Thetwo most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and theinvention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. Thesewere the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst forthe splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 .Liberals
2.Conservatives.
Oncebeer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning ofagriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, sowhile our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Somemen spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while theywere drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservativemovement...
Othermen who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off theconservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing,fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Someof these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known asgirlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication ofcats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democraticvoting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Overthe years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerfulland animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass forobvious reasons.
Modernliberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine orimported bottled water. They eat raw fish
butlike their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
liberalfare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injuryattorneys, journalists, dreamers
inHollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designatedhitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservativesdrink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still providefor their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers,corporate executives,
athletes,members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who worksproductively.
Conservativeswho own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberalsproduce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
anddecide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
aremore enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remainedin Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after theWild West was tamed and created a
businessof trying to get more for nothing.
Hereends today's lesson in world history:
Itshould be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrilyrespond to the above before forwarding it.
AConservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truthof this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believersand to more liberals just to piss them off.B
Andthere you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm
goingto have another beer.
polarisdragon800
Active VIP Member
A grandfather is visiting his grandson at college. He sees a box of condoms on the table, but does not recognize them. He asks what they are for. "Well, says the embarrased teen, they are for keeping your cigarettes dry".
Gramps goes to the pharmacy the next day and asks for a box. "What size, asks the pharmacist"?
"Large enough to fit a camel", says gramps.
Gramps goes to the pharmacy the next day and asks for a box. "What size, asks the pharmacist"?
"Large enough to fit a camel", says gramps.
polarisdragon800
Active VIP Member
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
tripster
Active VIP Member
The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons.
He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was
full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the
sidewalks, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any
cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay
me one million pounds to ask one question.'
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,
and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the blue pigeon. The London pigeons followed the
blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague
of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,
the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the
man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they
had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the
pigeons away?
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?
Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?
Nooooooo!
The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue muslim?'
He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was
full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the
sidewalks, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any
cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay
me one million pounds to ask one question.'
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat,
and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the blue pigeon. The London pigeons followed the
blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague
of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,
the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and told the
man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they
had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the
pigeons away?
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?
Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?
Nooooooo!
The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue muslim?'
biff pow kapow boff zap splatt sock whamm eee-yow ooooff zowie thunk kayo
biff pow zap kapow whamm klonk lol
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:
1.. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a profess ional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:
1.. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a profess ional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
DaveB
Active VIP Member
Dug into the ol vault for those eh Deano? LOL
Last time I heard those I laughed so hard I kicked a slat outta my crib!
Last time I heard those I laughed so hard I kicked a slat outta my crib!
whoDEANie
Active VIP Member
Dug into the ol vault for those eh Deano? LOL
Last time I heard those I laughed so hard I kicked a slat outta my crib!
Just waiting for DodgeGuy to pipe in now.
DaveB
Active VIP Member
And there's only 5 guys in the whole world who know why I am LMAO right now......
whoDEANie
Active VIP Member
Ok, ok, fine. I'll retire those. Well, except for two 'cuase I like them so much I even tell them to myselves when no one's around. How about this one?...
I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?
arcticdodge
Active VIP Member
KFC, after you are finished with the breasts and thighs all you got left is a greasy box that you can put your bones in.
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