New getting Old jokes?

[ChillySeven]

Three old men were sitting around at the nursing home, discussing ageing. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

 

[ChillySeven]

---

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge.

 

[S.W.A.T.]

Little old man and woman sitting at the table having lunch. The old woman says to the man “When we were in our 20’s and ready to take on the world, what did you think of my body”? The little old man replied “ I wanted to f*** your brains out and suck your t*ts dry”. The woman then takes off all her clothes and asks “and now what do you think”? The man says “mission accomplished”!

 

[tripster]

Mike an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Mike, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

 

[Bogger]

Misleading thread title.... I thought it was about imdooin & ferniesnow

 

[ferniesnow]

It is! I'm relating........

 

[ChillySeven]

My memory is gone Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect.”

 

[ChillySeven]

So there was this old lady who was late getting to her bridge club. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. The registration looks good too. “Ma’am, stay here!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

 

[ChillySeven]

Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.” “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.

 

[ChillySeven]

• An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[ChillySeven]

• Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, Mildred took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart was located. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

[ChillySeven]

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

 

[ChillySeven]

• Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

 

[moyiesledhead]