meatbag
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- Nov 29, 2008
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The Suave Verbal Mentor
My young friend had asked me to help him with buying his first dirtbike. With zero mechanical knowhow, he obviously could tell I had a special relationship with all mechanical things by the hard to spell, big complicated long winded words I crafted my Krafty sentences with. Quite impressive really, if I do say so myself...cough, cough....
I would throw words and sentences out there like "diameter circumference rotation device", then maybe throw in a "forged ferris ratchet device" or a "titanium round tubed exhaust extraction device". He was wide eyed with my knowledgeable and informative prowess. Of course.
Over time I would talk about trivial mechanical things over a rum or two about a wide variety of devices and procedures. Now, I've made up everything, fabricated all with real(ish) words into total jibberish. I found it a real challenge to see how long I could continue my ruse.
When we were talking about a bike he wanted I would barrage him paragraphs about what to check for. I made sure he should absolutely look out for the "accelerator reed assembly, which connects to the power nut, which is next to the multi rod basket under the tank(pointing to random general things), which enables the speed clamps on the adjustable power collar(absolutely needed for wheelies)"....well, Unless of course, the "ring transformer operating rpm is above 2.5, then it may need a rebuild. In that case the parts are readily available from your local friendly happy dealer". But I assured him not to worry because I would surely most likely kinda sorta help him with the complicated teardown, as long as he brought the food and refreshments. Of course.
I would tell him about simple tire and rubber durometer density, and how one should "ABSOLUTELY test the spoke rods for frequency conformity(still randomly pointing) and how, on the lower part of the powerband ramp transfer assembly you should always, ALWAYS check that the adjustment on the kraggle valve is set BEFORE you even think of touching the multi valved sprocket rod." I would wave assorted shiny and bendy looking tools about. He was always stunned with such verbal wizardry. So was I sometimes!
After getting the simple basic mechanical things out of the way, I would lecture him about the the "cylinder slotted clasp twister that is used to bleed off excess air of the universal size 4 shaker shaft", you know, so the bike will ride smoother and fine tune it for over the little bumps?" When he would go glassy eyed there'd be a break. Snacks would be consumed. We'd rest before our talks on the "previous evil owners", about what they usually screwed up on their bikes would continue.
I advised my young student cohort, using my vast wisdomness and intellectual sway, that it's a good ideeer to have a Kwality piece of string, 1.55 meters long to check out the "rear damper unit assembly, and the pillsbury shaft rake." He was taking notes and intrigued when I said "the % of wobble play in the housing was important BUT ONLY check it if it was above 5 Celsius and not raining. Plus, to make sure and without a doubt the compression adjustments of the angled foam packer valve were spot on with assigned parameters of the rectile scale. It's all in the manual." Heh, heh, heh...
I guess I could describe mechanical sounding things like anyone else, but what fun would that be? Out here it's quite normal to hear from a scruffy regular toothless krusty shadetree meknic something that sounds like "get the silver long thingy, next to the red handled whatsit. I need to turn the round thingy with silver thingy till the screw spring shimmy thingy gets springy again". Whew!...just not technical enough for me. Confusion and looks of wonder and amazement are what is needed.
I like something more in the way of "You'll need the L.E.D. hammer to set the under fender sponge valve sag. It may take an extreme amount of taco force to engage the silent worm drive movement bud motivator, but not to worry, taco force for the sponge sag sacker is easily done with the red button. The green button can only be used for adjusting the profiler exhaust flap. DON"T touch that one!"
Well anyways, I had my young friend wowed and impressed with my dictionary vocabulary, limitless knowledgable know how knowledgeness until I told him about the blue button. I went on to say "the blue button on the fuse fudgepakipak should only be pressed on after 2200hrs on Friday or Saturday, it lights the medicinal radius smiley tray of joyous wonders for the inebriation platform."
If you press it twice it stays flashing signalling for hearty cheers and drinks to commence from all nearby. I think he was finally starting to catch on!
He started asking about using a "wrench splitter and an pneumatic spindle weaver to adjust the chaffing bearing". Chaffing bearing!?!? Wow! "Thats advanced" I thought for a newby. Then he asked "What % of sugar carbonated H2O(pop) to alcohol fermentation mixture of a darkish tint(rum) Would be optimum to continue our discussion?" Optimum? Huh. "You know, for consumption and everlasting timeless joy and happiness for the eternally most bitterest of men?" Oh, he meant me! Now he's learn-ed and talking my language!
He'll be just fine now that I've taught him all I know. "I'll have a double triple and don't forget the ice!"
My young friend had asked me to help him with buying his first dirtbike. With zero mechanical knowhow, he obviously could tell I had a special relationship with all mechanical things by the hard to spell, big complicated long winded words I crafted my Krafty sentences with. Quite impressive really, if I do say so myself...cough, cough....
I would throw words and sentences out there like "diameter circumference rotation device", then maybe throw in a "forged ferris ratchet device" or a "titanium round tubed exhaust extraction device". He was wide eyed with my knowledgeable and informative prowess. Of course.
Over time I would talk about trivial mechanical things over a rum or two about a wide variety of devices and procedures. Now, I've made up everything, fabricated all with real(ish) words into total jibberish. I found it a real challenge to see how long I could continue my ruse.
When we were talking about a bike he wanted I would barrage him paragraphs about what to check for. I made sure he should absolutely look out for the "accelerator reed assembly, which connects to the power nut, which is next to the multi rod basket under the tank(pointing to random general things), which enables the speed clamps on the adjustable power collar(absolutely needed for wheelies)"....well, Unless of course, the "ring transformer operating rpm is above 2.5, then it may need a rebuild. In that case the parts are readily available from your local friendly happy dealer". But I assured him not to worry because I would surely most likely kinda sorta help him with the complicated teardown, as long as he brought the food and refreshments. Of course.
I would tell him about simple tire and rubber durometer density, and how one should "ABSOLUTELY test the spoke rods for frequency conformity(still randomly pointing) and how, on the lower part of the powerband ramp transfer assembly you should always, ALWAYS check that the adjustment on the kraggle valve is set BEFORE you even think of touching the multi valved sprocket rod." I would wave assorted shiny and bendy looking tools about. He was always stunned with such verbal wizardry. So was I sometimes!
After getting the simple basic mechanical things out of the way, I would lecture him about the the "cylinder slotted clasp twister that is used to bleed off excess air of the universal size 4 shaker shaft", you know, so the bike will ride smoother and fine tune it for over the little bumps?" When he would go glassy eyed there'd be a break. Snacks would be consumed. We'd rest before our talks on the "previous evil owners", about what they usually screwed up on their bikes would continue.
I advised my young student cohort, using my vast wisdomness and intellectual sway, that it's a good ideeer to have a Kwality piece of string, 1.55 meters long to check out the "rear damper unit assembly, and the pillsbury shaft rake." He was taking notes and intrigued when I said "the % of wobble play in the housing was important BUT ONLY check it if it was above 5 Celsius and not raining. Plus, to make sure and without a doubt the compression adjustments of the angled foam packer valve were spot on with assigned parameters of the rectile scale. It's all in the manual." Heh, heh, heh...
I guess I could describe mechanical sounding things like anyone else, but what fun would that be? Out here it's quite normal to hear from a scruffy regular toothless krusty shadetree meknic something that sounds like "get the silver long thingy, next to the red handled whatsit. I need to turn the round thingy with silver thingy till the screw spring shimmy thingy gets springy again". Whew!...just not technical enough for me. Confusion and looks of wonder and amazement are what is needed.
I like something more in the way of "You'll need the L.E.D. hammer to set the under fender sponge valve sag. It may take an extreme amount of taco force to engage the silent worm drive movement bud motivator, but not to worry, taco force for the sponge sag sacker is easily done with the red button. The green button can only be used for adjusting the profiler exhaust flap. DON"T touch that one!"
Well anyways, I had my young friend wowed and impressed with my dictionary vocabulary, limitless knowledgable know how knowledgeness until I told him about the blue button. I went on to say "the blue button on the fuse fudgepakipak should only be pressed on after 2200hrs on Friday or Saturday, it lights the medicinal radius smiley tray of joyous wonders for the inebriation platform."
If you press it twice it stays flashing signalling for hearty cheers and drinks to commence from all nearby. I think he was finally starting to catch on!
He started asking about using a "wrench splitter and an pneumatic spindle weaver to adjust the chaffing bearing". Chaffing bearing!?!? Wow! "Thats advanced" I thought for a newby. Then he asked "What % of sugar carbonated H2O(pop) to alcohol fermentation mixture of a darkish tint(rum) Would be optimum to continue our discussion?" Optimum? Huh. "You know, for consumption and everlasting timeless joy and happiness for the eternally most bitterest of men?" Oh, he meant me! Now he's learn-ed and talking my language!
He'll be just fine now that I've taught him all I know. "I'll have a double triple and don't forget the ice!"
