Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
CdnWrangler
Active VIP Member
CdnWrangler
Active VIP Member
Better get two, good to have a back-up...
CdnWrangler
Active VIP Member
Since the dog shot it.... he may as well.......
Beside, the deer is dead, sensitivity training won't help the deer......
Beside, the deer is dead, sensitivity training won't help the deer......
Summiteer
Active VIP Member
Subject: Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know
Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate,
and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named
Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married
the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know
Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate,
and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named
Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married
the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
crazy_wheeler
Active VIP Member
For those of you w/ teenagers....
CdnWrangler
Active VIP Member
HotShotHarry
Active VIP Member
A young man up talking with God,God he says, why did you make women so pretty? God replies, so you would like them. The young man then says, why did you make them so soft? God replies, so you would like them. The young man thinks about that for a while and then asks well then why did you make them so stupid? God replies, so they would like you!!!!!
- Thread starter
- #129
albertagal500
Active VIP Member
AN EXPLANATION ON JUST WHAT HAPPENED
I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything
clear?
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
"Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
everything?'
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob
wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed
between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going?" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was
off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I did, thanks."!
"You bet, take care!" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.
I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything
clear?
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,
"Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get
everything?'
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob
wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed
between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going?" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was
off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I did, thanks."!
"You bet, take care!" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!
The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.
- Thread starter
- #130
albertagal500
Active VIP Member
GOOD
Madison , WI, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit
further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in La Crosse , WI . A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being a wise guy, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball.
He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his
patrol car and left.
Madison , WI, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year old boy
was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit
further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in La Crosse , WI . A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being a wise guy, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball.
He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his
patrol car and left.
dooryder
XP V.I.P. Member
- Thread starter
- #132
albertagal500
Active VIP Member
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move he burst out laughing, she had the man
arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man about (20 years old)
what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was
like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and
I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '"Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly
contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under
a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'...
I just lost it." CASE DISMISSED
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move he burst out laughing, she had the man
arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man about (20 years old)
what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was
like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and
I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, '"Logan's Liniment
will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly
contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under
a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'...
I just lost it." CASE DISMISSED
Summiteer
Active VIP Member
The Buffalo Theory
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this:
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest an d weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this:
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest an d weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
polarice
Active VIP Member
lol and that judge is why i drink
That is a good one!
- Thread starter
- #136
albertagal500
Active VIP Member
How To Start Out The Week With a Natural High (Part 1 of 2)
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail. Getting email (Getting Facebook Messages)
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail. Getting email (Getting Facebook Messages)
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
- Thread starter
- #137
albertagal500
Active VIP Member
A conversation before marriage...
He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave?
He : No! Don't even think about it.
She : Do you love me?
He : Of course! Over and over!
She : Have you ever cheated on me?
He : No! Why are you even asking?
She : Will you kiss me?
He : Every chance I get.
She : Will you hit me?
He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She : Can I trust you?
He : Yes.
She : Darling!
To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...
He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave?
He : No! Don't even think about it.
She : Do you love me?
He : Of course! Over and over!
She : Have you ever cheated on me?
He : No! Why are you even asking?
She : Will you kiss me?
He : Every chance I get.
She : Will you hit me?
He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She : Can I trust you?
He : Yes.
She : Darling!
To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...
4extreme
Active VIP Member
President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
'Hallo, President Bush' a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!'
'Well Archie,' George replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' said Archie, after a moments calculation 'there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!'
George paused... 'I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Holy jeez,' said Archie. 'I'll have ta call ya back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. 'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Archie?' George asked.
'Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor.'
President Bush sighed. 'I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.'
'Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye', said Archie, 'I'll be getting back to ya.'
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. 'President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!'
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,' said Archie, 'I'll have ta call youse back.'
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. 'President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that' said George. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well, sir,' said Archie, 'we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.'
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
'Hallo, President Bush' a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!'
'Well Archie,' George replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' said Archie, after a moments calculation 'there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!'
George paused... 'I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Holy jeez,' said Archie. 'I'll have ta call ya back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. 'Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Archie?' George asked.
'Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor.'
President Bush sighed. 'I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.'
'Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye', said Archie, 'I'll be getting back to ya.'
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. 'President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!'
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,' said Archie, 'I'll have ta call youse back.'
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. 'President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that' said George. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well, sir,' said Archie, 'we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.'
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
OVERKILL 19
Active VIP Member
If you would like to tell which one is "mans best friend". Your dog or your wife. Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a hour and see witch one is happy to see you when you open it!
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