retiredpop
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Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
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retiredpop
Active VIP Member
Medicare Part G
If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no nursing home care available for you, what do you do?
You may opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.
And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what?
Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!
If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no nursing home care available for you, what do you do?
You may opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.
And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what?
Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!
retiredpop
Active VIP Member
Tenjooberrymuds-------------
Travelling in Canada? Maybe you need to understand Tenjooberrymuds!
Travelling in Canada? Maybe you need to understand Tenjooberrymuds!
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retiredpop
Active VIP Member
Nerves of Steel Woman stops 3.5metre croc with .22 pistol.
A Darwin woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack
using a small .22 caliber Ruger pistol. This is a story of
self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a
small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a
lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin
discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and
other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5metre crocodile
which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
"It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
"She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I
wouldn't be here today!" said Beverly.
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.
"The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking
away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible - and his
life insurance was also a big bonus!. It makes a good case for
permits to carry licensed firearms in the Territory."
A Darwin woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack
using a small .22 caliber Ruger pistol. This is a story of
self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a
small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a
lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin
discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and
other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5metre crocodile
which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
"It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
"She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I
wouldn't be here today!" said Beverly.
"Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took.
"The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking
away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible - and his
life insurance was also a big bonus!. It makes a good case for
permits to carry licensed firearms in the Territory."
Education time,,,,. Brought to you by the folks who develop and update curriculum in our schools.
1. Teaching Math In 1950...
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit? $____
2 Teaching Math In 1970…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit? $___
3 Teaching Math In 1990…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?
__Yes or __No
4. Teaching Math In 2000…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 2015…
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals
or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut
down their homes?
6. Teaching Math in 2021…
Math is Racist. Students no longer need any math skills to Graduate school.
2+2 = 4, or 22 what ever you feel is correct. There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your
feelings e.g., anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.
Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of the exam there are Counsellors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.
AND YOU WONDERED WHY THEY NEED A COMPUTER TO MAKE CHANGE AT THE STORE??!?!
1. Teaching Math In 1950...
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit? $____
2 Teaching Math In 1970…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit? $___
3 Teaching Math In 1990…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?
__Yes or __No
4. Teaching Math In 2000…
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 2015…
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals
or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut
down their homes?
6. Teaching Math in 2021…
Math is Racist. Students no longer need any math skills to Graduate school.
2+2 = 4, or 22 what ever you feel is correct. There are no wrong answers, feel free to express your
feelings e.g., anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.
Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of the exam there are Counsellors available to assist you to adjust back into the real world.
AND YOU WONDERED WHY THEY NEED A COMPUTER TO MAKE CHANGE AT THE STORE??!?!
Last edited:
My daughter in grade 8 is learning about integer’s. Or I should say I am teaching her. What a useless thing to teach someone.
ferniesnow
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I agree unless you plan on becoming a science major. There aren’t a lot of those floating, so useless it is.
Teach that stuff in university in place off gender studies.
Teach that stuff in university in place off gender studies.
retiredpop
Active VIP Member
A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel.."
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a camel.."
Summit 934
Active VIP Member
Crustyolddude
Active VIP Member
The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Canadian Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Canadian Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Canadian Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting an astounding amount of firewood !’
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Canadian Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Canadian Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Canadian Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting an astounding amount of firewood !’
retiredpop
Active VIP Member
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the Lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much larger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Hill."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their fancy cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the ch!t out of them and eat 'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Liberals or Conservatives?"
"I eat the Liberals" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the ch!t out of a Liberal, there's nothing left but an a-hole and a briefcase.”
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Hill."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their fancy cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the ch!t out of them and eat 'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Liberals or Conservatives?"
"I eat the Liberals" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the ch!t out of a Liberal, there's nothing left but an a-hole and a briefcase.”
retiredpop
Active VIP Member
A QUEEN's TALE
We'll always remember her sense of humor and that beautiful smile
I was on Guard of Honour, waiting for the King of Saudi Arabia, on Horseguards.
On the right flank; Scots Guard (100 guardsmen) a gap, HM The Queen, mounted in uniform; alongside her the CO Colonel Gerald, another gap, then on the left flank, the Queen’s Company Grenadier Guards (100 guardsmen).
We’re stood at ease waiting.
Suddenly the silence was broken by Colonel Gerald’s charger erupting with horse farts at full volume for two minutes.
Embarrassed and staring straight ahead Colonel Gerald says, “Sorry about that your Majesty!”
She replies, in a wonderful voice, “That’s alright Gerald, . . . I thought it was your horse!”
200 guardsmen silently cried with laughter, and tapped their rifle butts on the gravel.
From that moment, every man there adored her!
We'll always remember her sense of humor and that beautiful smile
I was on Guard of Honour, waiting for the King of Saudi Arabia, on Horseguards.
On the right flank; Scots Guard (100 guardsmen) a gap, HM The Queen, mounted in uniform; alongside her the CO Colonel Gerald, another gap, then on the left flank, the Queen’s Company Grenadier Guards (100 guardsmen).
We’re stood at ease waiting.
Suddenly the silence was broken by Colonel Gerald’s charger erupting with horse farts at full volume for two minutes.
Embarrassed and staring straight ahead Colonel Gerald says, “Sorry about that your Majesty!”
She replies, in a wonderful voice, “That’s alright Gerald, . . . I thought it was your horse!”
200 guardsmen silently cried with laughter, and tapped their rifle butts on the gravel.
From that moment, every man there adored her!
retiredpop
Active VIP Member
Busy day at the Pearly Gates
A petitioner tells St. Peter that his last day on earth was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant arrived. He also says that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter, still chuckling, meets his third customer of the day.
He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the last two fellows".
"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in a cedar chest....”
A petitioner tells St. Peter that his last day on earth was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant arrived. He also says that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter, still chuckling, meets his third customer of the day.
He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the last two fellows".
"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in a cedar chest....”
Radar78
Active VIP Member
retiredpop
Active VIP Member
President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN.
"Hello, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN.
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