Required: Sense of humor

[doorfx]

A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?” She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.” The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons. She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.” The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting? The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.” Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?” And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a ****ing Thing."

 

[imdoo'n]

U S M C

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

[retiredpop]

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.



TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick .
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.

Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

 

[retiredpop]

Friday Joke

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at me, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myselfh,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

 

[Beer Slayer]

The wit of the Scots

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

 

[retiredpop]

 

[Beer Slayer]

Finally, some useful facts are coming out about all of those airport full body scans!

FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS

TSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results 2021 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA : Terrorists Discovered 0 Transvestites 133 Hernias 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3 It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls. Thought you'd like to know​

 

[retiredpop]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated,
"You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

 

[Beer Slayer]

Subject: Wow - Nancy's letter

You may recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan and the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to have received:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Donald Trump has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a hurricane. You might want to look into that.

 

[Beer Slayer]

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan
fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even
greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon

She said................ "Ah dinnae dae that, they're for the funeral.”

 

[Beer Slayer]

Subject: Fw: NEW GENERATION HOLIDAYS OFFICE PARTY

Subject: FW: FW: NEW GENERATION HOLIDAYS OFFICE PARTY

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 1st, 2021

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees only!! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 2nd, 2021

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 3rd, 2021

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.0 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

________________________________________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 4th, 2021

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those
on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for
diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply" no sugar desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
________________________________________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: November 5th, 2021

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my ass, I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, The B*tch from H*ll!!!
_______________________________________________________________________________________

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 6th, 2021

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off on the 23rd, with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

 

[Beer Slayer]

We are still battling COVID-19 but the next thing is here already!

Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C. It appears to target those who were born between 1930 & 1970 – but primarily Boomers
Symptoms:
1. Sending the same email twice.
2. Sending a blank email.
3. Sending a message to the wrong person.
4. Sending it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Forgetting to attach the attachment.
6. Hitting SEND before you've finished.
7. Hitting DELETE instead of SEND.
8. Hitting SEND when you should hit DELETE.
That is why it is called the C-NILE virus.
If you cannot admit to doing the above, you have obviously caught the mutated C-NILE strain — the D-NILE virus.

 

[Joholio]

 

[Beer Slayer]

Toronto Woman Shot In Her Own Driveway...

Linda Plews, 26, a resident of Toronto was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The husband called the police and the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is a blonde, and a Trudeau supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

 

[Beer Slayer]

“Hello, you have reached the 'Men's Help Line.'
My name is Don.
How can I help you?"


“Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
“I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.
Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot.
“I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.
“Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.
“When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
“It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

“ Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

 

[Beer Slayer]

Should children witness childbirth?
Here's your answer.

Only one paramedic responded to the call.

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi, the mother, pushed
and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place .. smack his ass again!'

 

[Beer Slayer]

 

[Summit 934]

I bought a new Truck.
I returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio
to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson", the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
"Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck,
but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, "a-hole!"
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau."

 

[retiredpop]

 

[freeflorider]

View attachment 257876

That little one is going to love braking stuff when growing up.