Required: Sense of humor

[ferniesnow]

I met a fairy today that granted me one wish. "I want to live forever, " I said. "Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!" "Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Canucks win a Stanley Cup!" "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

​

 

[SLEDBUNNYRACING]

Very cute Fernie----lol

 

[Polarisgurl500]

I met a fairy today that granted me one wish. "I want to live forever, " I said. "Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!" "Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Canucks win a Stanley Cup!" "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

​

Haha. Now that is funny. Good one.

 

[teamgreen]

Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"

 

[T-team]

A boy is sitting on a park bench when he sees a man with a strangely tiny head walking his way. The boy asks "sir why do you have such a little head?" The man answers with a story "one day when I was younger. I was fishing at the end of a dock and got a huge bite. To my surprise when I pulled in my catch it was a beautiful mermaid. And she told me she would give me anything. I asked for if I let her go free

 

[teamgreen]

A boy is sitting on a park bench when he sees a man with a strangely tiny head walking his way. The boy asks "sir why do you have such a little head?" The man answers with a story "one day when I was younger. I was fishing at the end of a dock and got a huge bite. To my surprise when I pulled in my catch it was a beautiful mermaid. And she told me she would give me anything I asked for if I let her go free"

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

 

[Summitric]

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.


"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"


"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

"I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the
road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out,threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"

​

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
​

 

[eclipse1966]

A Newfie was terribly overweight, so the doctor put her on a diet.​

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."


When the Newfie returned, she shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs.!


"Why, that's amazing", the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"


The Newfie nodded. "I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day."


"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.


"No, from the f**kin' skippin'."








​

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

New Newfie Pickup Line
A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."

 

[Bnorth]

Three hookers were talking.The first one said "I had a Fireman last night". The second one asked how she knew he was a fireman, and the first one replied "I saw his suspenders." The second hooker said "Well I had a policeman". The first one asked how she knew he was a policeman. The second hooker replied "I saw his gun." The third hooker then joined in and said "Well I had a farmer from Saskatchewan last night". The other two replied "How do you know he was a farmer"? The third hooker replied "First he said it cost too much; then he said that it was too dry; then he said it was too wet; and when we were through he asked if I had any free hats!!"

 

[Bnorth]

AMISH LADY DRIVER
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just
wanted to
warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is
broken and it could be
dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my
husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins
to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might
consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that
too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told
her husband
about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new
one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there
was something wrong with the emergency brake."

 

[Bnorth]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow , worried about her husband's
> temper and threatening manner.
> T he Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?"
> The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do.
> Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me
> aroon'."
> The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When
> your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water
> and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
> swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
> Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
> reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie
> came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he
> didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the
> water do that?"
> The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does
> bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

 

[Bnorth]

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME STATISTICS IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS.


25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness!

That's scary as hell, it means 75% are running around with no medication at all.

 

[Bnorth]

The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50."

"No way!" I responded. "I'm married!!!"

"So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker.

So I told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for only $35."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
One More?
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.

The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a $5.00 bill.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father, . . . you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.

The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5.00 bill.

Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action.

"Tommy," he says, "that's twice you've called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?".

"Yes," says the kid, "a tight c*nt "

 

[Bnorth]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to
hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished
the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin
writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,
so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin
hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call
the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

[Bnorth]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed. "

 

[snochuk]

LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER OH No !!! He has a sister ???????????? Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!" Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty." Mum fainted.

 

[snochuk]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her motheroverseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't haveany money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards thenext room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and closethe door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down myzipper".
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said. She reached in andgrabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well...go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and while holding it closeto her lips,
tentatively said........... "Hello, mum can you hear me?"

 

[my mod]

Just so’s ya know...

When I got off the ferry in Newfoundland I asked one of the locals what was the fastest way to get to the North end of the island. He asked me if I was walking or driving? I said I was driving. He said that’s the fastest way.

 

[Bnorth]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.




Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run" The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN".




The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.




The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base.




The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!"




The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.




A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."




The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!" ********