Best/Funniest Marriage Advice!

[malibumama]

I need all of your help! I am doing a "toast to the couple" in 4 short days and need your best/funniest marriage advice!

Thanks

 

[TROLLCAT]

happy wife happy life

 

[goodngrubby]

When at a family reunion on her side, don't ever yell out " you think I'm pissed? You should see my pants!!"

 

[polarice]

doesnt matter where you get your appetite as long as ya eat at home

 

[snopro]

When you have babies make sure that mom breastfeeds the baby. Then when it cries in the middle of the night there is nothing you can do but roll over.....................................................................lol?

 

[ferniesnow]

There several available books and I'm thinking Chapter's would be the place to start.

I have "What to Say and How to Say It for all Occasions" by David Belson. 8th printing in 1972.

It isn't rocket science and with a little guidance I'm sure you can handle it!

 

[andystepper]

The best way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once.

 

[andystepper]

my brother said this one at my wedding but altered it a little to accommodate names

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cause that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words
...Aisle, alter, hymn (I'll alter him)

 

[MOMMA]

I found these... they're cute!


It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery

 

[sunshinesmiles]

My Dad always said the first thing he did every morning was to say "I'm Sorry" to my Mom ahead of time for whatever he was going to screw up that day !!!!

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering

Love is grand.........Divorce is a hundred grand

The trouble with women is they get all excited about nothing then marry him

 

[Richadge]

My favorite is: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

 

[magnet]

rent and watch wedding crashers lots of good stuff in that movie.

 

[slednecks11]

What's the difference between a funeral and a wedding??....... Foods better at the wedding

 

[renegade x]

Pennies in a jar. Before you have kids,every time you get"busy" together put a penny in a jar. After kids,every time you get "busy" together take a penny out of said jar. YOU WILL NEVER EMPTY THE FUGGIN JAR !!!!!!

 

[malibumama]

Keep the advice coming! You guys are giving me some great speech ideas! Thanks you all rock!

Posted from my BlackBerry using BerryBlab

 

[E to the v]

Depends on the crowd i think

 

[saqqara]

If this is a quadding/sledding couple....I have a very good speech for you. I was my best friend's MC and I "interrupted" my own speech with an emergency press release about a merger between the bride and groom except I created a merged company between Yamaha and Polaris and then announced their latest ATV/Sled entity that was half quad half sled. It was really well received. It's an original speech, I wrote it, so as long as we don't know each other and the bride and groom don't know my friends then it could work VERY well for you.

I'm happy to share, just message me and I'll dig it out.

As I said it only works if they're into snow and mud, like everyone else here.

 

[DRD]

I hope you enjoy marriage as much as I thought I would've.

 

[snochuk]

Back in school Ken was a real Don Waun. Once a girl went out with Ken she Don Waun to go out with him again.

 

[snochuk]

For Farmers:
Bill (Groom's father) was driving down the road and saw Fred (bride's father) picking stones with no shirt or hat on a sunny day and he only stopped for a 15 minute lunch. Bill says to himself "that Fred is gonna be some sore tomorrow". Bill doesn't see Fred for four days and on the fifth day Fred is out picking stones with a shirt and hat but he was naked from the waist down. Bill stopped and asked Fred what the hell he was doin. Fred replies, well five days ago I was picken stones with no shirt and my neck was stiff for the last four days.